Hello Adventure!!

I still feel great. 

Apart from my usual browsing the school websites each morning to see if any new openings are available - I really haven't given much thought to finding a job for the past few days.

I've found a new me.  No, that's not right.  I've found the old me.  The me that's happy, calm, cheerful.  That's who I am - always have been...for the most part.  It feels good.

Now that I'm back to my old self - I want to try some new things.  It's summer break - which means I'm free to do whatever I want..cost dependant.

For some reason, I've really wanted to go camping the past few weeks.  Maybe it's because it was brought up in a discussion with some girl friends.  I've never been camping.  Well, that's not completely true.  I went camping - once - when I was in high school.  I slept in the car, because I was too freaked out to sleep in a tent....Bugs!! Ewww!!

Now, I'm past that.  I want to experience the outdoors in a tent.  Wake up next to a lake or river.  Cook on an open fire.  Sit around a camp fire and talk, share stories, eat S'mores.  I want to hike, and fish, and do outdoorsy stuff like that.

I love going on vacation.  Don't get to very often - haven't had a vacation in a couple of years, now.  Money is always a problem.  Only having one income coming in kind of puts a damper on being able to travel.... but camping?  The costs involved are minimal - and it's still a vacation.

I want to do it alone, first.  Not because I don't want my kids to experience the "great outdoors" - but because I feel it's important for me to know a head of time what I should expect.  Going to a hotel in a new city is no problem.  Going to a camp site in the middle of nowhere?  Yeah, a little more daunting...especially for me...so I want to have tried it first before dragging my kids along.

When I say alone - I don't mean alone, alone.  I mean with some friends.  Yes, I know that a bunch of 20-something people camping will be TOTALLY different to a family going camping... but it's a way for me to experience it, first.

Now, I just need a tent, a place to go, and people to go with me - and I'll be set!!

It's a New Day...A New Beginning

I woke up this morning, feeling different.  Different to how I've woken up for the past several months.  I woke up free.... free from stress, free from worry...free.

Did I find a job?? No.

After writing my post yesterday, I read it over and over.  It was like my mind was sending me a message, I just had to read it.

I really feel like my future is out of my hands now - and I need to embrace it.  I need to take charge of the here and now... not the could be's, the hope to be's...just what I can do at this very moment.

I will say out loud something I've been scared to admit.  I think I was on the verge of depression.  There was a part of me that was so sad, so lost, so frustrated...and it was taking over...consuming my mind, my body, and my life.

It was causing a negative impact on me... and I won't let that happen. 

Today, I'm taking a stand.  No more negativity.  No more worry.  No more stress.  I throw my future to the wind, and hope that someone finds it and gives me a chance.  Until that happens, I am going back to being me.  Fun. Happy. Cheerful.

Goodbye negativity.  Wish I could say it was nice to know you - but it wasn't... Good riddance!

It's Out of My Hands

I've made in person visits.

I've dropped off resumes.

I've sent emails.

I've made phone calls.

I've in some way reached out to every school in a 1 hour radius of me that has job openings - and now there's really nothing else I can do, but wait.

It's really hard to explain what I'm feeling right now.  It's not sadness.  It's not anger.  Not even frustration.  I guess, it's more on the line of uncertainty or doubt... a mixture of both, maybe?

Four years ago, I walked in to my first college class with one thing on my mind - in four years I'll be a teacher.  You don't think about anything else.  You think about doing your course work, passing tests, and studying -so that you can become the best teacher possible.  You certainly don't think about putting in all that work to realize that you might not get the job you want... or any teaching job for that matter.

Even as little as a year ago, there was no doubt in my mind that I would finish school and find a job - even though at that time, it was common knowledge about how hard it was to find a teaching job.

I've never been the kind of person to doubt myself.  I've always worked hard for what I wanted - and ended up getting it.  Is this some form of punishment for being so confident?  Probably not.  It's more the simple fact that it's very hard to get a teaching job.  Simple as that.

Does it make me feel any better?  No.  But I'm not the only one in this situation.  There are so many people that haven't gotten jobs yet...some have...but not many. 

I've decided that I've done what I can do - for now.  There's no point in dwelling on it any more... if I'm meant to get a job, I'll get one.  If I don't - it won't be from a lack of trying. 

I'm not going to waste my summer away sitting in front of my computer or clutching my phone hoping that a call will come.  I'll keep checking the websites, I'll keep looking for new openings - but other than that, it's time to start letting go and enjoying my time off.

It's been four years since I've had some time off...away from work, or studying, or both.  My kids have missed me - and I've missed them.  It's time to spend some time with them, having some fun, letting go of some stress, and just enjoying the moments.

It's just out of my hands what happens next.

Maybe a Silver Lining?

It's no secret that my last few posts have been anything but happy or cheery.  They've been sitting on the verge of down right depressing.

It's very hard for me to write like that.  On my other blog, I do everything in my power to be cheerful, motivational, and confident.  Then, I come here - and the other half of my personality comes through.  There's a part of me that has doubts - about myself.  There's a part of me that hurts, feels pain....that is usually built up with no where to go.

In real life, not everything can be a bed of roses.  Everyone has problems, everyone has doubts...I just can't believe that there is a person out there that lives in a place of happiness and sunshine 24/7.  I usually live in happiness and sunshine about 95% of the time....I know you wouldn't think so from this blog, but it's true.  For the most part, I am a happy and cheerful person.

One thing I do continue to tell myself - despite the sadness that I sprawl across these pages - is that everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes it can take days, months, and even years for the reasons to show through....but they come...eventually.

The time in between is terrible - gut wrenching.  I live with a "WHY?" inside my heart every day...and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, things come in to focus and I get that A-HA!!  The explanation as to why things happened the way they did - and why I wasn't supposed to get something, do something, or receive something.

Not getting too ahead of myself - but, I may have had a glimpse of that yesterday.

Not going in to too many details, I had a visitor from DHS yesterday afternoon.  Yes, while I'm sitting here drowning in my own self-pity, crying hysterically...there's a knock at the door.

To back track a little - my son, Butter, has behavioral problems.  That's putting it mildly - he has EXTREME anger and behavioral issues.  It's so bad that last school year, he was placed in a special school because public school could no longer tolerate his behavior.  Also, when Butter doesn't get his way - he starts getting violent, angry...or down right mean.  One day, a few months ago, he got angry at me because he'd called his sister a nasty name.  I got on to him about it - and he was grounded.

The next day, he went to school - infuriated because his grounding meant he wouldn't be able to attend the baseball game that he was supposed to go to - and told his counselor that he was beaten at home.  As a mandated reporter, myself, I know that even if I think the child is lying - I have to report it...and that's what the counselor did.

OK, so back to my story.  Of all days, the DHS investigator decides to show up on the day that I'm an emotional mess.  Not just that, but the house is an absolute DISASTER!!  There's toys everywhere - and Jelly has decided to make the living room look like a war zone...complete with empty juice boxes, Popsicle wrappers, and a bag of chips that she thought would be easier to eat if they were all dumped on the table.  UGH!!

I had meant to clean up after my little crying session - that I was doing, alone, in my office... but no, DHS guy had to show up in the middle of all of it.

So, I go out on the porch to greet him.  He introduces himself, looks at me and says "Are you OK?"  He can see I've been crying - awesome!!  I tell him the very condensed version of why I'm crying.  I also point out the fact that the house is a mess, and I just can't believe that he shows up that day - of all days.  He laughs, tells me not to worry - he has no intention of going in to the house...he wasn't there to "check things out".

He had come to tell me that he had interviewed and investigated Butter's allegations - and found absolutely no reason to pursue the investigation any further.  He tells me that everyone he's spoken to has told him how much of a handful Butter is - and how well I've done in being a mother, going to college, and raising two girls on top of that.  It was nice to hear some kind words....I know I'm a good mother, but it sure is nice to be reassured every now and then.

We get to chit chatting about my degree, looking for a job, etc.  He asks me if I've ever considered working for DHS as a family service worker.  At first I'm like - urm, no thank you...I know how much people dislike those people.  Then he says "you'll get a chance to work with troubled kids, help them, it's hard work - but so rewarding".  Then a light bulb goes off in my head.  Is this what I should be looking in to? Is this the reason I keep getting doors slammed in my face from schools?  Is my purpose really to be a family service worker and help kids??

It's been on my mind ever since.  I haven't given up the hope that I'm supposed to be a classroom teacher - that's where my heart and passion lie.  I, also, can't deny that a job like a family service worker wouldn't fit my personality or my passion either.  I'm not about to let a "possible reason" moment slip me by - so I went ahead and applied for the job online.

I'm not going to go gung-ho about pursuing it.  If it's meant to be, then I guess I'll get a phone call or an interview or something.  I have to throw it out there and let things take it's natural course.  Who knows what will happen.  Maybe, it's just another way of the universe telling me that there are always other options out there...if the right one isn't available now.

It's something to think about.

Changing My Name to John

Well, I received yet another Dear John letter...not one, but two in one day.  One was for the job I interviewed for last week, the other was for a job I applied for - but didn't even get an interview.

As I'm writing this, tears are flowing from my eyes.  No matter how hard I tried to fight them, they won - they came.

It's crazy - because I had a feeling I wasn't going to get the job...I don't know why I'm so upset about it.

Maybe the tears come from disappointment....maybe it's fear....maybe it's both.  I've never wanted anything more in my life...for four years I worked every waking minute on fulfilling a dream I've had since I was 5.  Now that I am finally able to have the dream - it's quickly becoming a nightmare.

The fear comes from knowing that the past four years didn't come for free - no, I now face having $22,000 in student loans that I have to pay off... but how can I do that with no job?  I know I can find work somewhere else... it's just so frustrating to have spent 4 years working towards something that may not come any time soon.

I want to scream in pain.

I want to yell in frustration.

Instead, I come here...my place of solitude.  The one place I can say exactly what I feel - but in silence.

It's funny.  As I sit here typing this, I'm working on a project for the school I interned for.  The school I spent almost an entire school year working for - for free.  The school that when job openings became available passed me by, found someone else...I wasn't good enough.  Despite that, I volunteered to help with this project - for free - on my own time.

Why?  Because that's just the kind of person I am. I love this field so much that I will volunteer my time to help.  Not because I think it might help in getting me a job, I know that's not going to happen - not there - no, I do it because I want to.

It's so hard to talk to anyone about how I'm feeling.  I put on a brave face - try to hide the disappointment.  Not because they don't care - because that's, also, who I am.  The people I do want to talk to are in the same situation I am in - so they don't want to hear about it...they know exactly how I'm feeling.

My family are being supportive - but, to be honest, I'm kind of sick of it.  I'm tired of hearing "you'll find something" or "it's there loss"... NO IT'S NOT!! It's my loss...they found someone else..I'm the one left sitting here, alone.

They don't understand what I'm going through.  They don't know how much I want this...the pain that comes from the rejection.  To them, it's just a job.  To me - it's my life.  With every Dear John letter I receive, a little of me dies inside. 

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.  What am I saying that makes them pass over me?  What do I have to do to show them that this is everything to me - more than I've ever wanted....the single most important thing I've ever set my mind on?

I just want the nightmare to end - and the dream to come true.

Sorting and Packing...and Hoping It's Temporary

Wow - it's been almost two weeks since I've updated...and I've had another interview in that time span.

Last Wednesday (the 25th) I had another interview.  It was for a third grade position - my dream grade.  The interview went really well.  The principal was super nice, the team was super nice...it was all upbeat and fun.  Who would of thought I'd use the word "fun" to describe an interview?  The whole time I felt confident - and impressed myself with some of the answers.

I wish I could say that I walked out of there with a feeling in my stomach that I had it in the bag.. but I didn't.  Yeah, the interview went well, but hearing the principal say "well, you understand we're interviewing a lot of people...so we should be able to let you know something next week" deflated me instantly.

It's not uncommon for the principal - or any prospective boss - to make that statement at the end of an interview.  I've heard those words many times before... but I still had some inclining of how well I did, and kind of knew in the pit of my stomach that I had the job.  I didn't feel that way this time.  In fact, I felt exactly the same as I did when I walked out of the last interview.  I felt that the interview went great - but I just didn't think I had made the cut.

I won't know anything for sure until this week - hopefully.  The waiting is torturous.  It's like someone having a rope tied around my stomach - and it's not going to come loose until I have an answer.

Today, I'm sorting and packing away all of my teaching supplies.  It's bittersweet.  I don't want to pack everything up...I want to be moving it all into my own classroom.  Unfortunately, that may not happen for a while - so it's being packed up into storage...for now.

I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster with my emotions right now.  There are days when I'm feeling great...my stomach isn't churning, my palms aren't sweaty, and I'm not freaking out.  Then there are the "other days".  I feel like I'm slowly being pulled up hill - knowing that there's a fast down hill coming.  I get nervous, I get scared....what if the hill just keeps going up?  Will I get a chance to sail down the other side full of excitement and joy?  I hope so.

This time last month, I was being told left and right not to panic.  I was told that May is a big month for interviewing - and I'd bound to start hearing from schools.  I heard from one.  Now, it's just two days until June.  The jobs are disappearing - people are getting interviews and jobs...I'm not.

I hate being such a Debbie Downer.  It's not me.  I tell myself that I'm going to be OK - I'll survive if I don't get a teaching job next year.  I was doing great before the interview...then those feelings start setting in again.  Hope is just in front of my fingertips, but no matter how far I reach - it's still just a little too far away for me to grab. 

I made the decision on Friday not to sub any more this school year.  It may not be the smartest move - but I had situations out of my control that caused the sudden decision.  Hopefully, the time off will give me some much needed time with the kids - and give me some time to get my mind cleared.  I'm already planning some fun activities to do over the next week...I'm excited about it.

Well, I should get back to cleaning and sorting.

My Own Dear John Letter

Last week, I received the letter I didn't want.  The infamous "Dear John" letter, letting me know that I was not selected for the job I interviewed for.  Despite already knowing that I didn't get the job, it still hurt reading the words on the letter.  I have worked with these people for an entire school year - but the words on the page were formatted, disconnected....a real "cut and paste" job.
Yes, it hurt knowing that I wasn't selected to work in the school I love.  It hurt knowing that I wasn't good enough.  I hurt knowing that regardless of how much I've done to prove myself - it just wasn't enough.

So, after a little soul-searching...I've decided to write my own "Dear John" letter...

Dear Joanna,

I know you're disappointed about not getting the job you interviewed for.  Any kind of rejection is hard, you know that better than anyone.  You've had a lot of rejection in your life, yet you always managed to pull through.  You've always managed to take the bad and mold it to become something great.  Why on earth would you feel like this situation is any different?

OK, so you didn't get this job.  Maybe you don't get any job this year.  Does that mean you're going to quit looking?  Does that mean you're going to give up on everything you've worked so hard to do?  Of course not.  This is just a little speed bump.

You are the queen of declaring "Everything happens for a reason".  The reason is never known until it reveals itself.  You say that all of the time.  You have questioned aspects of your life for, well...
forever... yet you are always able to explain the reasons that you stood up to those situations - and have an answer for why you wouldn't change any of it.  Everything does happen for a reason.

You thought the hard part was over - graduating from college.  You're now beginning to realize that getting through college wasn't the hard part... using it to find your dream job - now that's the hard part.  I know it's frustrating driving from school to school hoping that you'll find that one principle that will give you a shot.  Getting doors closed in your face is a part of the territory.  There isn't enough jobs for everyone.  It's harsh reality - but a reality that you're facing. 

At the end of the day, you know you better than anyone.  You know how hard you've worked.  You know the trials and tribulations you've been though - and the triumphs and successes you've seen.  You are strong, smart, beautiful, and courageous.  You know that your time will come.  You just have to be patient - I know, something you've never really been great at doing.  Your time WILL come.

Keep believing.  Stay strong.  Never give up.