Friday, June 3, 2011

Maybe a Silver Lining?

It's no secret that my last few posts have been anything but happy or cheery.  They've been sitting on the verge of down right depressing.

It's very hard for me to write like that.  On my other blog, I do everything in my power to be cheerful, motivational, and confident.  Then, I come here - and the other half of my personality comes through.  There's a part of me that has doubts - about myself.  There's a part of me that hurts, feels pain....that is usually built up with no where to go.

In real life, not everything can be a bed of roses.  Everyone has problems, everyone has doubts...I just can't believe that there is a person out there that lives in a place of happiness and sunshine 24/7.  I usually live in happiness and sunshine about 95% of the time....I know you wouldn't think so from this blog, but it's true.  For the most part, I am a happy and cheerful person.

One thing I do continue to tell myself - despite the sadness that I sprawl across these pages - is that everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes it can take days, months, and even years for the reasons to show through....but they come...eventually.

The time in between is terrible - gut wrenching.  I live with a "WHY?" inside my heart every day...and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, things come in to focus and I get that A-HA!!  The explanation as to why things happened the way they did - and why I wasn't supposed to get something, do something, or receive something.

Not getting too ahead of myself - but, I may have had a glimpse of that yesterday.

Not going in to too many details, I had a visitor from DHS yesterday afternoon.  Yes, while I'm sitting here drowning in my own self-pity, crying hysterically...there's a knock at the door.

To back track a little - my son, Butter, has behavioral problems.  That's putting it mildly - he has EXTREME anger and behavioral issues.  It's so bad that last school year, he was placed in a special school because public school could no longer tolerate his behavior.  Also, when Butter doesn't get his way - he starts getting violent, angry...or down right mean.  One day, a few months ago, he got angry at me because he'd called his sister a nasty name.  I got on to him about it - and he was grounded.

The next day, he went to school - infuriated because his grounding meant he wouldn't be able to attend the baseball game that he was supposed to go to - and told his counselor that he was beaten at home.  As a mandated reporter, myself, I know that even if I think the child is lying - I have to report it...and that's what the counselor did.

OK, so back to my story.  Of all days, the DHS investigator decides to show up on the day that I'm an emotional mess.  Not just that, but the house is an absolute DISASTER!!  There's toys everywhere - and Jelly has decided to make the living room look like a war zone...complete with empty juice boxes, Popsicle wrappers, and a bag of chips that she thought would be easier to eat if they were all dumped on the table.  UGH!!

I had meant to clean up after my little crying session - that I was doing, alone, in my office... but no, DHS guy had to show up in the middle of all of it.

So, I go out on the porch to greet him.  He introduces himself, looks at me and says "Are you OK?"  He can see I've been crying - awesome!!  I tell him the very condensed version of why I'm crying.  I also point out the fact that the house is a mess, and I just can't believe that he shows up that day - of all days.  He laughs, tells me not to worry - he has no intention of going in to the house...he wasn't there to "check things out".

He had come to tell me that he had interviewed and investigated Butter's allegations - and found absolutely no reason to pursue the investigation any further.  He tells me that everyone he's spoken to has told him how much of a handful Butter is - and how well I've done in being a mother, going to college, and raising two girls on top of that.  It was nice to hear some kind words....I know I'm a good mother, but it sure is nice to be reassured every now and then.

We get to chit chatting about my degree, looking for a job, etc.  He asks me if I've ever considered working for DHS as a family service worker.  At first I'm like - urm, no thank you...I know how much people dislike those people.  Then he says "you'll get a chance to work with troubled kids, help them, it's hard work - but so rewarding".  Then a light bulb goes off in my head.  Is this what I should be looking in to? Is this the reason I keep getting doors slammed in my face from schools?  Is my purpose really to be a family service worker and help kids??

It's been on my mind ever since.  I haven't given up the hope that I'm supposed to be a classroom teacher - that's where my heart and passion lie.  I, also, can't deny that a job like a family service worker wouldn't fit my personality or my passion either.  I'm not about to let a "possible reason" moment slip me by - so I went ahead and applied for the job online.

I'm not going to go gung-ho about pursuing it.  If it's meant to be, then I guess I'll get a phone call or an interview or something.  I have to throw it out there and let things take it's natural course.  Who knows what will happen.  Maybe, it's just another way of the universe telling me that there are always other options out there...if the right one isn't available now.

It's something to think about.


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