Changing My Name to John

Well, I received yet another Dear John letter...not one, but two in one day.  One was for the job I interviewed for last week, the other was for a job I applied for - but didn't even get an interview.

As I'm writing this, tears are flowing from my eyes.  No matter how hard I tried to fight them, they won - they came.

It's crazy - because I had a feeling I wasn't going to get the job...I don't know why I'm so upset about it.

Maybe the tears come from disappointment....maybe it's fear....maybe it's both.  I've never wanted anything more in my life...for four years I worked every waking minute on fulfilling a dream I've had since I was 5.  Now that I am finally able to have the dream - it's quickly becoming a nightmare.

The fear comes from knowing that the past four years didn't come for free - no, I now face having $22,000 in student loans that I have to pay off... but how can I do that with no job?  I know I can find work somewhere else... it's just so frustrating to have spent 4 years working towards something that may not come any time soon.

I want to scream in pain.

I want to yell in frustration.

Instead, I come here...my place of solitude.  The one place I can say exactly what I feel - but in silence.

It's funny.  As I sit here typing this, I'm working on a project for the school I interned for.  The school I spent almost an entire school year working for - for free.  The school that when job openings became available passed me by, found someone else...I wasn't good enough.  Despite that, I volunteered to help with this project - for free - on my own time.

Why?  Because that's just the kind of person I am. I love this field so much that I will volunteer my time to help.  Not because I think it might help in getting me a job, I know that's not going to happen - not there - no, I do it because I want to.

It's so hard to talk to anyone about how I'm feeling.  I put on a brave face - try to hide the disappointment.  Not because they don't care - because that's, also, who I am.  The people I do want to talk to are in the same situation I am in - so they don't want to hear about it...they know exactly how I'm feeling.

My family are being supportive - but, to be honest, I'm kind of sick of it.  I'm tired of hearing "you'll find something" or "it's there loss"... NO IT'S NOT!! It's my loss...they found someone else..I'm the one left sitting here, alone.

They don't understand what I'm going through.  They don't know how much I want this...the pain that comes from the rejection.  To them, it's just a job.  To me - it's my life.  With every Dear John letter I receive, a little of me dies inside. 

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.  What am I saying that makes them pass over me?  What do I have to do to show them that this is everything to me - more than I've ever wanted....the single most important thing I've ever set my mind on?

I just want the nightmare to end - and the dream to come true.