Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I'm In That Mood Again...

I've got the urge to write.  Not about anything in particular, but just let my fingers go 90 to nothing in an attempt to cure whatever it is that's plaguing me and making me want to write. 

I always know when something's bothering me - just by the level of how bad I want to start writing.  Most of the time, I don't even know what it the problem is... but writing always makes me feel better.  I think I know what's eating at me today - but it's really a topic for my other blog.  I'm feeling a little down because I haven't been able to get back in to the swing of losing weight.  See.  Told ya it was meant for my other blog.  Don't worry, though, it's not what I'm going to write about...even if it is what's on my mind.

It's not really about the weight loss, or the lack thereof, when I think about it.  It's not being able to follow through.  Not being able to commit.  Keeping this wall up in front of me that stops me from taking a leap.  I'm feeling the same way about work. 

I love my job, don't get me wrong.  I love working with the kiddos, and the awesome people that I work with.  It's not the job that's been niggling at me - it's the looking for a new one that's causing the niggles.  I know, again with the job searching stuff, right? 

It's not really about that, either.  It's the fact that I can't put my heart completely in doing what I'm doing because I'm so damn preoccupied with thinking about finding a new job...even though I don't want to leave where I am.  If my life was meant to be perfect, I'd get a job teaching full-time in the school I'm in now.  That would be the perfect scenario.  It would fix all of the ills going on inside of my head.  But how often do I get to have my cake and eat it too?  I mean that metaphorically, and not speaking about my weight whatsoever!

That's the part that scares me the most.  Every time I feel like I've found my place...where I'm supposed to be.. something happens and I don't get to do what I want to do.  It's out of my control - and my hopes and dreams come crashing down around me.

Being able to stay in the school I'm in now would mean so much.  I'd be able to stay with the kiddos I've grown to love.  I'd be able to stay working with the people I gladly call my friends.  I'd be able to work for a principle and assistant principle that I deeply respect.  My daughter would be able to stay in the school that she's grown to love...and my son would join her at that same school next year. 

You see what I mean?  That's so much to hang my hopes on.  I have even more at stake than I did last year...and look how last year turned out for me.  I can only hope that there was a reason I was brought to this school.  Boy, I hope that's it.  For once in my life, I'd love to be able to scream "A-HA!! This was what all that heart ache was for!!"  That would be nice.  So nice.

But, it's still very early in the year.  I still have a few months to go before I have to get all "crazy" with the job search.  But I can't help letting it take over me right now.  Believe me, I've tried.  I know this is going to sound pretty stupid - but I think this is the reason I'm having such a hard time with my weight loss.  Somewhere in my warped mind, I feel like if I succeed with something like my weight loss - I'll take the chance of not succeeding with my job search.  I know... I did warn you that it would sound stupid.  But I can't help feeling that way. 

It's like I'm trying to store all of my success so that it will flow in to getting my dream job. I can't go around doing something great like losing all the weight I gained last year...that might jinx me when I need the success for an interview. 

Then again, on the flip side, if I can buckle down with my weight - and lose it again - maybe that will be a good talking point when I'm trying to persuade a principle how good I am at committing to something. 

It's all crazy talk.  But, again, it's nice to be able to come here and let it all out.  Even if I did sway back in to the weight loss topic...it was still related to what I had intended on coming here to write about.

I need to get my head in the game.  I need something else to focus on.  Maybe if I started losing the weight and working out again, I'd be preoccupied with something more healthy than worrying about getting a teaching job next year.  Sounds like a plan to me! 

See - writing works miracles!


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Time Has Come... Once Again....

It feels weird to think that 10 days of 2012 have already passed.  Ten whole days.  I made a few resolutions, like getting back in to losing weight.  Then, there's the resolution that I really have no control over.  The resolution that makes my palms sweaty just thinking about.  The resolution to try, once again, to find a teaching job.

I know. It's only January.  It's far too early to be worrying about that.  But it's not.  Not for me.  It's all I've thought about since January of 2007 - the first time I stepped in to a college classroom. 

I wasn't planning on thinking about it yet.  It just kinda happened.  Someone I worked with casually asked me if I had started thinking about looking for a job...and that was it.  I was infected with the virus.  The virus that had my emotions doing a crazy dance for the majority of last year.  I didn't want the ride to start yet.  I thought I had another couple of months.  But, apparently, it's out of my control.

I keep telling myself that I won't drive myself nutso this time around.  I'll do what I have to do... but I'm not going to let myself fall in to a downward spiral of despair and frustration.  I know, who am I kidding, right?

This year is a little different, for now.  I'm working in a school.  That's a big start, but then again, I was in a school last year.  The plus side is that I'm not in a school with 5 other interns, all competing for one job.  No, now I'm in a school competing all by myself - but there's no guarantee that a job will come open for me or I'd even get hired for a job if one came available.  Another year of graduates will be walking across the stage this May.  Another pool of hopefuls all in the same position I was in last year.  Which makes my competition that much more fierce.

One thing I keep telling myself, though, is that this year if things don't go my way - I'm still employed.  I still have a position in a school.  Trying to stay as positive as I can. 

I've already started working on my resume and portfolio.  Don't want to be worrying about it at the last minute.  It keeps me hopeful, and reminds me that I've got a task in hand, goal in sight. 

I don't know how often I'll come here to complain vent explain how I'm feeling.  I'm going to use the blog for what it was intended for - to let off some steam when I have nowhere else to do it.  My other blog is still a mish mash of my life... but I don't want to consume it with job hunting.  No, I have this blog to do that.  No one will read it, I'm sure, but it makes me feel better.

Writing is my relief.  It could be drugs or alcohol or gambling.  I'm blessed that I use writing as my way of getting the blues out and making myself feel better.  Goes to show how much I should be a teacher, right?  Yeah, I think so too.

I'll probably be showing my face a lot more around here, now that I've got the job hunting virus.  I just hope with everything inside of me that this is the year I can start a blog post with I GOT A TEACHING JOB!!  One step at a time, Joanna, one step at a time.