Monday, May 30, 2011

Sorting and Packing...and Hoping It's Temporary

Wow - it's been almost two weeks since I've updated...and I've had another interview in that time span.

Last Wednesday (the 25th) I had another interview.  It was for a third grade position - my dream grade.  The interview went really well.  The principal was super nice, the team was super was all upbeat and fun.  Who would of thought I'd use the word "fun" to describe an interview?  The whole time I felt confident - and impressed myself with some of the answers.

I wish I could say that I walked out of there with a feeling in my stomach that I had it in the bag.. but I didn't.  Yeah, the interview went well, but hearing the principal say "well, you understand we're interviewing a lot of we should be able to let you know something next week" deflated me instantly.

It's not uncommon for the principal - or any prospective boss - to make that statement at the end of an interview.  I've heard those words many times before... but I still had some inclining of how well I did, and kind of knew in the pit of my stomach that I had the job.  I didn't feel that way this time.  In fact, I felt exactly the same as I did when I walked out of the last interview.  I felt that the interview went great - but I just didn't think I had made the cut.

I won't know anything for sure until this week - hopefully.  The waiting is torturous.  It's like someone having a rope tied around my stomach - and it's not going to come loose until I have an answer.

Today, I'm sorting and packing away all of my teaching supplies.  It's bittersweet.  I don't want to pack everything up...I want to be moving it all into my own classroom.  Unfortunately, that may not happen for a while - so it's being packed up into storage...for now.

I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster with my emotions right now.  There are days when I'm feeling stomach isn't churning, my palms aren't sweaty, and I'm not freaking out.  Then there are the "other days".  I feel like I'm slowly being pulled up hill - knowing that there's a fast down hill coming.  I get nervous, I get scared....what if the hill just keeps going up?  Will I get a chance to sail down the other side full of excitement and joy?  I hope so.

This time last month, I was being told left and right not to panic.  I was told that May is a big month for interviewing - and I'd bound to start hearing from schools.  I heard from one.  Now, it's just two days until June.  The jobs are disappearing - people are getting interviews and jobs...I'm not.

I hate being such a Debbie Downer.  It's not me.  I tell myself that I'm going to be OK - I'll survive if I don't get a teaching job next year.  I was doing great before the interview...then those feelings start setting in again.  Hope is just in front of my fingertips, but no matter how far I reach - it's still just a little too far away for me to grab. 

I made the decision on Friday not to sub any more this school year.  It may not be the smartest move - but I had situations out of my control that caused the sudden decision.  Hopefully, the time off will give me some much needed time with the kids - and give me some time to get my mind cleared.  I'm already planning some fun activities to do over the next week...I'm excited about it.

Well, I should get back to cleaning and sorting.


Thursday, May 19, 2011

My Own Dear John Letter

Last week, I received the letter I didn't want.  The infamous "Dear John" letter, letting me know that I was not selected for the job I interviewed for.  Despite already knowing that I didn't get the job, it still hurt reading the words on the letter.  I have worked with these people for an entire school year - but the words on the page were formatted, disconnected....a real "cut and paste" job.
Yes, it hurt knowing that I wasn't selected to work in the school I love.  It hurt knowing that I wasn't good enough.  I hurt knowing that regardless of how much I've done to prove myself - it just wasn't enough.

So, after a little soul-searching...I've decided to write my own "Dear John" letter...

Dear Joanna,

I know you're disappointed about not getting the job you interviewed for.  Any kind of rejection is hard, you know that better than anyone.  You've had a lot of rejection in your life, yet you always managed to pull through.  You've always managed to take the bad and mold it to become something great.  Why on earth would you feel like this situation is any different?

OK, so you didn't get this job.  Maybe you don't get any job this year.  Does that mean you're going to quit looking?  Does that mean you're going to give up on everything you've worked so hard to do?  Of course not.  This is just a little speed bump.

You are the queen of declaring "Everything happens for a reason".  The reason is never known until it reveals itself.  You say that all of the time.  You have questioned aspects of your life for, well...
forever... yet you are always able to explain the reasons that you stood up to those situations - and have an answer for why you wouldn't change any of it.  Everything does happen for a reason.

You thought the hard part was over - graduating from college.  You're now beginning to realize that getting through college wasn't the hard part... using it to find your dream job - now that's the hard part.  I know it's frustrating driving from school to school hoping that you'll find that one principle that will give you a shot.  Getting doors closed in your face is a part of the territory.  There isn't enough jobs for everyone.  It's harsh reality - but a reality that you're facing. 

At the end of the day, you know you better than anyone.  You know how hard you've worked.  You know the trials and tribulations you've been though - and the triumphs and successes you've seen.  You are strong, smart, beautiful, and courageous.  You know that your time will come.  You just have to be patient - I know, something you've never really been great at doing.  Your time WILL come.

Keep believing.  Stay strong.  Never give up.