Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I'm In That Mood Again...

I've got the urge to write.  Not about anything in particular, but just let my fingers go 90 to nothing in an attempt to cure whatever it is that's plaguing me and making me want to write. 

I always know when something's bothering me - just by the level of how bad I want to start writing.  Most of the time, I don't even know what it the problem is... but writing always makes me feel better.  I think I know what's eating at me today - but it's really a topic for my other blog.  I'm feeling a little down because I haven't been able to get back in to the swing of losing weight.  See.  Told ya it was meant for my other blog.  Don't worry, though, it's not what I'm going to write about...even if it is what's on my mind.

It's not really about the weight loss, or the lack thereof, when I think about it.  It's not being able to follow through.  Not being able to commit.  Keeping this wall up in front of me that stops me from taking a leap.  I'm feeling the same way about work. 

I love my job, don't get me wrong.  I love working with the kiddos, and the awesome people that I work with.  It's not the job that's been niggling at me - it's the looking for a new one that's causing the niggles.  I know, again with the job searching stuff, right? 

It's not really about that, either.  It's the fact that I can't put my heart completely in doing what I'm doing because I'm so damn preoccupied with thinking about finding a new job...even though I don't want to leave where I am.  If my life was meant to be perfect, I'd get a job teaching full-time in the school I'm in now.  That would be the perfect scenario.  It would fix all of the ills going on inside of my head.  But how often do I get to have my cake and eat it too?  I mean that metaphorically, and not speaking about my weight whatsoever!

That's the part that scares me the most.  Every time I feel like I've found my place...where I'm supposed to be.. something happens and I don't get to do what I want to do.  It's out of my control - and my hopes and dreams come crashing down around me.

Being able to stay in the school I'm in now would mean so much.  I'd be able to stay with the kiddos I've grown to love.  I'd be able to stay working with the people I gladly call my friends.  I'd be able to work for a principle and assistant principle that I deeply respect.  My daughter would be able to stay in the school that she's grown to love...and my son would join her at that same school next year. 

You see what I mean?  That's so much to hang my hopes on.  I have even more at stake than I did last year...and look how last year turned out for me.  I can only hope that there was a reason I was brought to this school.  Boy, I hope that's it.  For once in my life, I'd love to be able to scream "A-HA!! This was what all that heart ache was for!!"  That would be nice.  So nice.

But, it's still very early in the year.  I still have a few months to go before I have to get all "crazy" with the job search.  But I can't help letting it take over me right now.  Believe me, I've tried.  I know this is going to sound pretty stupid - but I think this is the reason I'm having such a hard time with my weight loss.  Somewhere in my warped mind, I feel like if I succeed with something like my weight loss - I'll take the chance of not succeeding with my job search.  I know... I did warn you that it would sound stupid.  But I can't help feeling that way. 

It's like I'm trying to store all of my success so that it will flow in to getting my dream job. I can't go around doing something great like losing all the weight I gained last year...that might jinx me when I need the success for an interview. 

Then again, on the flip side, if I can buckle down with my weight - and lose it again - maybe that will be a good talking point when I'm trying to persuade a principle how good I am at committing to something. 

It's all crazy talk.  But, again, it's nice to be able to come here and let it all out.  Even if I did sway back in to the weight loss topic...it was still related to what I had intended on coming here to write about.

I need to get my head in the game.  I need something else to focus on.  Maybe if I started losing the weight and working out again, I'd be preoccupied with something more healthy than worrying about getting a teaching job next year.  Sounds like a plan to me! 

See - writing works miracles!


1 comment:

  1. I soooo know how you feel... I was laid off from my job 03-2011 [1-day shy of my 5th year] at a place that was a good fit for me. I could have stayed there forever. Yes, it was mind-numbing on certain days and I could have probably used a change but I liked the co. I worked for and of course a few mind numbing days is better than the alternative of unemployment. I was so grateful another position found me [lieterally I hadn't even put out a single resume] just a couple of months later and 2-days before my severance ran out. This 05-2012 will be a year at my new place. Again, another great position that I could settle in and stay until I retired except for the fact that layoffs too came at this new co with the first RIF [reduction in force] coming in Dec [I dodge that one] they laid off 33 or 1/3 of our staff. The second RIF [which they wanted to tell us in advance so we could start looking now, nice] is in July of 2012 [another 25 peeps] and I am included. So I too will be looking once again. In this economy... I shudder to think. Myself, I am the sole-breadwinner so its all me and even scarier thought. I am so bummed that I am constantly fearing ue. It's like this is the new normal. There is no such thing as job security and its freakin getting old. I can only bring it down to one day at a time and don't project into the future because if I did I would be frozen into place I am sure. I have days when I backslide into that frozen in fear mentality but the future is out of my control. The only thing I do have control over is the present moment. I find when I focus on that I can make my today whatever I want it to be and let the worries of tomorrow take care of themselves?? I have good days and bad. Some days I go confidently in the direction of my dreams and then there are days when I want to hide under my blanky and cringe. Ya just gotta focus on what you want vs what you don't want and let the universe work out the details. Easier said than done on certain days. I'm right there with ya sister on this uncertain world we live in. Keep on keepin on... its all we can do. later


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