Just Feel Like Writing

It's been 4 months since I've written anything here.

Not because I didn't want to - but because I started using my other blog as a modge podge of everything going on in my life.

A lot of it has to do with the fact that my weight loss has been null and void for months and months and...well, you get the picture.

I started this blog because I wanted it to be a personal journal - separate and individual from my weight loss blog.  I wanted an outlet where I could come to when I just wanted to write...about anything that's on my mind.

I've done that every day on my other blog because I've been avoiding the fact that I'm not losing weight - but I feel that I have to write about something.  So, that blog has been filled with my daily goings on, family life, my job - and everything else that this blog is supposed to be for.

Then, this evening, I just got the urge to write.  I've already written a blog post for the other blog today - and I have another one that I will write there tomorrow.  So, I needed somewhere else where I could just pound the keyboard and release the urge.

If you've read this blog - but haven't been over at my other blog - then you don't know that I found a job.  I got hired by Headstart...and worked there for two weeks.  Then, exactly two days before the kids were supposed to come back from summer break, I got a call from an elementary school offering me a teaching assistant position.

The money at Headstart was better.  The job at Headstart was a lead teaching position.  I had my own class of kids, my own classroom.  But, it's not what I wanted.  I didn't hesitate at thinking about it - I took the $10,000 pay cut and took the assistant position.

At the end of the day, I went to school for four years to become a teacher.  Some would argue that Headstart was offering me that opportunity... but it wasn't.  From the very first day I ever stepped in to a college class, I had made the decision that I wanted to teach grades 1-4.  I'd take Kindergarten...if I had to... but my heart is not in working with toddlers.  It may sound harsh, but it's the truth.  I'm not cut out for supervising play all day, wiping behinds, and getting less than 30 minutes a day to teach a lesson.  I just can't do it.

The job that I have now gives me everything I want - except my own classroom and a nice teacher's salary.  I get to work with kids from 2nd - 5th grades.  I get to teach...in a way.  I get to help kids that are struggling, and help them achieve their goals.  I get the opportunity to prove to my principle that I have what it takes to be in a classroom with 25 kids - and be a damn good teacher.

I love my job.  I love the people I work with.  Most importantly, I am truly 100% in love with the kids at my school.  They come from all walks of life, all backgrounds....and every single one of them have a passion for learning.  They are caring, loving, supportive....they all watch out for each other...and the unity that I see every day can sometimes bring tears to my eyes.

This past summer was probably the most difficult time of my life.  Having so many doors slammed in my face left me broken, confused, angry.  I knew that I was put on this earth to do two things....love, care for, and raise my own children, and love, care for, and teach other children.  It's in my blood, I just couldn't imagine my life doing anything else.

So, after four years of schooling and thinking that the time had come to the second purpose of my life - and come up empty handed?   Biggest blow to my system I've ever had.

But, like I always say, everything happens for a reason. 

After being at the elementary I'm in, now, for three months...I just know that this is where I'm supposed to be.  I plan on learning everything I can this year....by being a teaching assistant I get front row seats at watching some of the best teachers I've ever seen at work.  I get to learn from them, receive guidance from them, and be a part of molding the minds of some fantastic students.

I hope that this year ends with the biggest bang I could ever receive:  A permanent teaching position... but I can't jump the gun.  I will be devastated if my teaching dreams are shattered once again next year - if I don't receive a position at this school.... but with the knowledge I'm gaining right now - I hope it will put me as a front runner at other schools... if that should have to happen.

I'm trying to not get my hopes up too much....I just don't think I can go through another summer like I did this year.  But it's hard.  I love everything about where I am now.  I feel the spark that I heard so much about in school.  That connection that teachers get when they know they're in the right school.  I feel it.  Each and every day.

I just have to hope and pray that this position is the foot in the door...the stepping stone to my future.  I can't realistically stay in this position for another year.  The pay just isn't enough to support my family - and we are sacrificing a lot this year just with the hope that it could lead to a full-time teaching job.  Hope isn't going to get my family through any more years.  This is it.  If something doesn't happen next year - it's back to the corporate world for me.

Just the thought of that makes me want to cry. 

I won't let it get to me, though.  I'm going to do everything in my power to make this year a phenomenal year.  Then maybe, just maybe I'll be able to see my dreams come true.