Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Holding It All In

I've been trying so hard....to remain calm, to not get emotional, to just take one day at a time.

It's been hard, and it gets harder every day.

Jobs have evaporated... they're all gone.  I'm hoping with everything inside that more jobs will start to come available, but I'm now worrying that principles won't interview anymore - and just take people that they've already interviewed for other positions.

Every time my phone rings, and it's a number I don't recognize, my heart skips a beat - my stomach churns... could this be the call I've been waiting for?  Is it an interview?  It's so hard living like this.

I've become obsessed with checking my email.  I think more to just get a response to an inquiry...will someone respond?

I come here, because it's the one place I can let out how I'm really feeling.

Daily I get asked the question "found anything yet?"  I put that smile on my face and respond with a cheery "not yet, but I'm not giving up hope".

That's true - yet I want to scream "NO! I haven't found anything yet.  I'm heartbroken.  I'm scared. Why can't I get a job?  Why won't someone give me a chance?"  I don't. Of course.  I can't.

Every morning, I still check every school website.  I check job posting pages for other jobs - education related.  I even make daily trips to Craigslist - cause maybe there will be something on there.  It's becoming a part of my normal routine... I just can't give up.

I hate feeling so much desperation.  I hate feeling so much resentment.

I see postings of friends who have found positions - and in steps that smile again...that smile that tells them I'm happy for them, why I'm screaming and crying on the inside.

I feel like a broken record.  I can't imagine that anyone is actually reading this - or enjoying it if they are. 

Writing is just my release - it's how I keep myself in check...get my calmness back...and cool down.

I'm living my life each day.  I keep my positivity in check.  I'm enjoying my time with the kids.  My time off is giving me a lot of time to think..that's good and bad.

Having free time gives me time to worry, to panic...to look at each day as another day passing by without a job.  It also gives me time to clean my house, write, read, and take my kids out.  I love every minute.  I hate every minute.

Once again, another replay of the same ol' same ol' that has consumed this blog.

Everyone say a prayer.  Cross your fingers.  Send positive vibes.

Maybe, just maybe, the next post I share is a lot more positive....I'm praying that the next post can be one that shares the news of a new job - or at least an  interview.  Think of me - please?


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