School's Out For Summer

Can you believe the last time I updated this blog was the week before Benchmark? And now, school is out. It's been over a month. How quickly I let my blogs slip through my fingers - but that's what happens when you try and keep up with 4 blogs, private journals, and everything else I've got going on with my writing.

I wish I could say that I've managed to find a teaching job, but alas - no such luck just yet. I've had two interviews. One interview was a district wide interview, and the other was at one of the schools in the district I'm working in. It's a job I'd love to have - a small, quaint school, but a part of a huge district. The best of both worlds. I interviewed a little over a week ago - but there's been no word as of yet.

I have another interview scheduled on Tuesday morning - in Missouri. It's right over the state line, and not very far from my house. While I don't want to leave the district I'm working in now, I don't want to limit myself either. I have to expand and branch out with my search. I'm positive that I'll end up where I'm supposed to be.

The minute school got out, I gathered the kids up and traveled to my parent's house in Oklahoma. I'll be here for the next two weeks. I'm house sitting/ baby sitting for my parents while they are on vacation. In a way, it's a vacation for me. I'm out in the country. There's lots of open space for the kids to play, and the animals my brother has serves as a petting zoo to keep the kids occupied. I'm woken up each morning by a rooster or a turkey or goats or geese or ducks. The sounds of the country - got to love it.

Even though I'm suffering from the worst allergies, I'm a gluten for punishment. I'm sitting outside typing this. The weather is absolutely beautiful, and it's just too nice to sit inside. I don't even care that I have to stop every thirty seconds to blow my nose. The runny nose is tolerable - and this glorious evening out-weighs the annoyance of sniffing and sneezing.

Being here is definitely helping my stress level. A few days ago I was a panicked mess. I was at that stage I was in last year - tearful, depressed, wanting to do nothing more than curl up with a bag of M&Ms in the fetal position. But there's something about my parent's house that brings a calm over me. Being here tells me that everything is going to be OK - and everything will work its self out. Spending the next two weeks relaxing and soaking up some sun is definitely what I need.

This year, things are better. Worst case scenario is that I don't find a teaching job - but I have a job to go back to after the summer. I didn't have that little luxury this time last year. And worst case scenario isn't the best way to say it. Even though I want a teaching job more than anything, it definitely wouldn't be bad having to spend another year working with the people I grew to love this past year. I deserve a classroom, but if that just doesn't happen for me again this year - life will still be just fine.

I've spent some time writing today. I've updated my other blog, written in my private journal, dabbled with some poetry - and now I'm here. I have a feeling there will be lots of writing done over the next two weeks. It's what I do to help me relax. It's my meditation tool. I don't share most of the stuff I write with the world - but I enjoy sharing some of it. I've downloaded some neat journal apps on my iPad, so I'm all set to write as much as my little heart desires.

I feel really good right now. Better than I have in a long time. I don't feel like the world is against me. I feel like I just have to be patient and let my life's plan play out - my time will come...and until it does, I'm going to enjoy the moments in between. Relaxation is what it's all about right now...and relax I shall.

Ramble, Ramble, Ramble

Now that I have my iPad - and a fancy keyboard that basically turns my iPad in to a laptop - I get more of an urge to write.

For the past couple of nights, I've come home from work and fired up the iPad and just wanted nothing more than to pound away at the keyboard with the first thoughts that pop in to my head.

Most of it ends up in the cyber garbage can...but I figure I could use this sudden urge to write to work on updating this blog more often. There's some crickets a chirpin at me from these parts of the woods. It's time to dust off this blog and start using it for what it's for. To catch all of the crazy, idol thoughts that pop in to my head.

I bet you'll never guess where my head is tonight. Yep, you guessed it...job hunting.

I'm just over a week away until the rush starts. That magical time when Benchmark is finally over, and principles can start thinking about how they're going to fill the vacant teaching spots that are starting to appear. It's like the Black Friday for teaching jobs. If you don't get in early, you're just going to be aimlessly walking around hoping that someone's missed one of the great deals.

I thought I might feel a little more confident by now. I mean, I'm working in a school. I got "my foot in the door" as they say. But, I don't feel confident. I'm terrified. Terrified because there doesn't appear to be any openings at my school...and even though I'm working in a huge school district - I don't have any other contacts other than the people I'm immediately working with.

It's like my student teaching year all over again.

Being a student teacher in a huge school district didn't help me get any interviews in any of the other schools in that district. Why I thought it would be different now, I don't know.

I keep telling myself to stay positive. Don't let my stress get the best of me. Don't start falling in to a panicked frenzy. Don't slip in to a routine of a mind numbing case of reaching out, receiving no response, and ending up crying in bed at night. I just can't let that happen.

I have a game plan. I've made out a list - and checked it twice. I've polished my resume and portfolio until they gleam with pride. Now, I'm going to have to put my destiny in fate's hands. The universe has a plan for me - I know it. I was born to teach - I know it. Now, hopefully the two will collide and finally complete everything I've ever dreamed of.

I truly believe that there was a reason I didn't find a teaching job last year. I was meant to end up in the position I'm in now. I've learned so much over the past school year. I've learned how to work with kids from all walks of life, from all backgrounds. I've learned how to work on different teams. I've learned about the value of school culture. I got a chance to live my first year "out in the real world" sitting on the side lines and soaking up more knowledge that will benefit me in my own classroom.

But now? I'm ready. I know it.

Next week is going to be stressful. It's Benchmark testing week. It will be a long week, a tough week - but I need to be strong for my kiddos. I need to be there for them. I need to support them every step of the way. And I shall.

I'm keeping the stress at bay. I'm hoping this blog will keep me straight. Fingers crossed.

Freeing the Bad to Enjoy the Good

I've come to accept that when good enters my life, I should prepare for something bad to happen.  It's just the way I think.  Not in a negative "nothing good can ever happen to me" way - but more of just being cautious not to get too big in the britches about having my share of goodness.

For the past few months, I have felt some weight on my shoulders.  I thought the best thing to do would be to ignore it, pretend like it's not even there, and eventually it will disappear.  As long as I stay positive, keep my mind focused on being happy - I wouldn't let the stress and turmoil have a second to rear their ugly heads.

I was wrong.  The more I pretend, the worse it becomes.  Keeping a smile on my face just isn't working anymore.

This week, I had the first "positive" week since starting my weight loss journey (again) in January.  In the past three weeks, I've gone to play bingo twice - and won $3100...bringing $1700 of that home (after splitting my first winnings with my mom).  Life has been good for the past few weeks - on the outside.

Moments like those make keeping the smile on my face easier.  They make me start believing that all my troubles can just disappear.  Then, I get blindsided with an event that makes all the inner demons rush to the surface.

For those of you that don't know, I have a son that had to spend 3 months at the end of last year in a psychiatric hospital.  Since he came home, I've told myself that I can't ever let something like that happen again.  I've told myself as long as I show him nothing but love and support, he won't have any more "episodes", he won't lie, he won't get in to major trouble.

When I've seen glimpses of an episode, or he lies, or he gets in to major trouble - I tell myself that it was somehow my fault... I somehow failed him... I'm not doing my job right.  Up until yesterday, I truly believed that everything that's happened to him was my fault.  Until yesterday.

A visit with his therapist unveiled some truths I'm not sure I was ready for.  The first one being that it's definitely not my fault he acts the way he does.  He has an illness that affects his brain.  It's not anybody's fault.  Stuff like this happens.  Another being that the more I try to convince myself that just showing him love will fix all of his issues, the more damage I'm doing to him.  That one was the one that knocked the wind out of me.  What I heard was loving my son too much would destroy him.  Of course, the words that were actually said were more along the lines of not allowing him to make mistakes, go through episodes, and learning to handle his behaviors would end up harming him more than help him.

I hold a lot of fears in me when it comes to my son.  I fear that he will never have a normal life due to the illnesses that affect his brain, stop him from processing his thoughts and actions.  I fear that he will end up moving through the system of psychiatric facilities, alternative schools, and maybe even prison.  My biggest fear?  That he will end up like his biological father.  I know that sounds stupid - compared to my other fears - but it truly is the one I fear the most.  I never want my son to turn in to that man.  I just can't let that happen.

The problem is, I'm denying him the chance of fixing his issues and putting him on the fast track of turning in to that man.  Just because I'm refusing to hold him responsible for his actions.

Everything I do in life has a stem from my past.  My emotional eating.  My nervous anxieties.  My quirky fears.  And the way I parent.  Some of the stems I'm aware of - others are hiding inside of me, waiting to be set free.

His therapist - who is now going to become my therapist for a while - unveiled the secret of the demons that I'm carrying around.  He made it very clear - if I don't fix me, I'll never be able to fix him.  As long as I carry around the fears and guilt that I do - he'll continue to increase his behaviors until he explodes.  I have to let him fail, I have to let him face the consequences of his actions, I have to enforce those consequences - regardless of what he may do in the process.  I have to let him face the truths of life.

I left the therapist's office yesterday full of mixed emotions.  I was scared.  I was hopeful.  I wanted to pretend that I wouldn't need to "get tough".  And then, just one day later, my son needed the toughness my therapist was talking about.  My son's lying is habitual.  It's out of control.  He lies for the sake of lying - even knowing that he's going to get caught.  Today, I had to lay the law down and take away a visit to his grandmother's this weekend.

Of course, his immediate reaction was anger and to blame me.  I'm the one being unfair.  I'm the one that makes his life so horrible.  I hear the words and they are like razors to my heart.  As much as I wanted to hug him and say I was sorry for making him mad, sorry that I was hurting him - I just couldn't.  He has to face the consequences of his actions.  He has to feel the pain.

He doesn't know or realize the pain it causes me.  And I'm OK with that.  Feeling the pain makes me realize that I'm doing the right thing.  If it was easy, I would doubt the love I have for my child.

In the next few weeks, there are going to be some drastic changes made to my lifestyle.  I have to start getting a grip.  I have to start shelling out some tough love.  It petrifies me - but it's completely necessary.  If I want my son to come to terms with his illness - he has to experience it, learn about it, and learn how to cope.  I just hope I have the strength to do it.  I do have the strength to do it.  It's just accepting the bad that comes with the good.  I won't get to enjoy any immediate actions, I'm sure of that... but I'm going to free the bad so that eventually - I will wholeheartedly enjoy the good.

I'm In That Mood Again...

I've got the urge to write.  Not about anything in particular, but just let my fingers go 90 to nothing in an attempt to cure whatever it is that's plaguing me and making me want to write. 

I always know when something's bothering me - just by the level of how bad I want to start writing.  Most of the time, I don't even know what it the problem is... but writing always makes me feel better.  I think I know what's eating at me today - but it's really a topic for my other blog.  I'm feeling a little down because I haven't been able to get back in to the swing of losing weight.  See.  Told ya it was meant for my other blog.  Don't worry, though, it's not what I'm going to write about...even if it is what's on my mind.

It's not really about the weight loss, or the lack thereof, when I think about it.  It's not being able to follow through.  Not being able to commit.  Keeping this wall up in front of me that stops me from taking a leap.  I'm feeling the same way about work. 

I love my job, don't get me wrong.  I love working with the kiddos, and the awesome people that I work with.  It's not the job that's been niggling at me - it's the looking for a new one that's causing the niggles.  I know, again with the job searching stuff, right? 

It's not really about that, either.  It's the fact that I can't put my heart completely in doing what I'm doing because I'm so damn preoccupied with thinking about finding a new job...even though I don't want to leave where I am.  If my life was meant to be perfect, I'd get a job teaching full-time in the school I'm in now.  That would be the perfect scenario.  It would fix all of the ills going on inside of my head.  But how often do I get to have my cake and eat it too?  I mean that metaphorically, and not speaking about my weight whatsoever!

That's the part that scares me the most.  Every time I feel like I've found my place...where I'm supposed to be.. something happens and I don't get to do what I want to do.  It's out of my control - and my hopes and dreams come crashing down around me.

Being able to stay in the school I'm in now would mean so much.  I'd be able to stay with the kiddos I've grown to love.  I'd be able to stay working with the people I gladly call my friends.  I'd be able to work for a principle and assistant principle that I deeply respect.  My daughter would be able to stay in the school that she's grown to love...and my son would join her at that same school next year. 

You see what I mean?  That's so much to hang my hopes on.  I have even more at stake than I did last year...and look how last year turned out for me.  I can only hope that there was a reason I was brought to this school.  Boy, I hope that's it.  For once in my life, I'd love to be able to scream "A-HA!! This was what all that heart ache was for!!"  That would be nice.  So nice.

But, it's still very early in the year.  I still have a few months to go before I have to get all "crazy" with the job search.  But I can't help letting it take over me right now.  Believe me, I've tried.  I know this is going to sound pretty stupid - but I think this is the reason I'm having such a hard time with my weight loss.  Somewhere in my warped mind, I feel like if I succeed with something like my weight loss - I'll take the chance of not succeeding with my job search.  I know... I did warn you that it would sound stupid.  But I can't help feeling that way. 

It's like I'm trying to store all of my success so that it will flow in to getting my dream job. I can't go around doing something great like losing all the weight I gained last year...that might jinx me when I need the success for an interview. 

Then again, on the flip side, if I can buckle down with my weight - and lose it again - maybe that will be a good talking point when I'm trying to persuade a principle how good I am at committing to something. 

It's all crazy talk.  But, again, it's nice to be able to come here and let it all out.  Even if I did sway back in to the weight loss topic...it was still related to what I had intended on coming here to write about.

I need to get my head in the game.  I need something else to focus on.  Maybe if I started losing the weight and working out again, I'd be preoccupied with something more healthy than worrying about getting a teaching job next year.  Sounds like a plan to me! 

See - writing works miracles!

The Time Has Come... Once Again....

It feels weird to think that 10 days of 2012 have already passed.  Ten whole days.  I made a few resolutions, like getting back in to losing weight.  Then, there's the resolution that I really have no control over.  The resolution that makes my palms sweaty just thinking about.  The resolution to try, once again, to find a teaching job.

I know. It's only January.  It's far too early to be worrying about that.  But it's not.  Not for me.  It's all I've thought about since January of 2007 - the first time I stepped in to a college classroom. 

I wasn't planning on thinking about it yet.  It just kinda happened.  Someone I worked with casually asked me if I had started thinking about looking for a job...and that was it.  I was infected with the virus.  The virus that had my emotions doing a crazy dance for the majority of last year.  I didn't want the ride to start yet.  I thought I had another couple of months.  But, apparently, it's out of my control.

I keep telling myself that I won't drive myself nutso this time around.  I'll do what I have to do... but I'm not going to let myself fall in to a downward spiral of despair and frustration.  I know, who am I kidding, right?

This year is a little different, for now.  I'm working in a school.  That's a big start, but then again, I was in a school last year.  The plus side is that I'm not in a school with 5 other interns, all competing for one job.  No, now I'm in a school competing all by myself - but there's no guarantee that a job will come open for me or I'd even get hired for a job if one came available.  Another year of graduates will be walking across the stage this May.  Another pool of hopefuls all in the same position I was in last year.  Which makes my competition that much more fierce.

One thing I keep telling myself, though, is that this year if things don't go my way - I'm still employed.  I still have a position in a school.  Trying to stay as positive as I can. 

I've already started working on my resume and portfolio.  Don't want to be worrying about it at the last minute.  It keeps me hopeful, and reminds me that I've got a task in hand, goal in sight. 

I don't know how often I'll come here to complain vent explain how I'm feeling.  I'm going to use the blog for what it was intended for - to let off some steam when I have nowhere else to do it.  My other blog is still a mish mash of my life... but I don't want to consume it with job hunting.  No, I have this blog to do that.  No one will read it, I'm sure, but it makes me feel better.

Writing is my relief.  It could be drugs or alcohol or gambling.  I'm blessed that I use writing as my way of getting the blues out and making myself feel better.  Goes to show how much I should be a teacher, right?  Yeah, I think so too.

I'll probably be showing my face a lot more around here, now that I've got the job hunting virus.  I just hope with everything inside of me that this is the year I can start a blog post with I GOT A TEACHING JOB!!  One step at a time, Joanna, one step at a time.

Just Feel Like Writing

It's been 4 months since I've written anything here.

Not because I didn't want to - but because I started using my other blog as a modge podge of everything going on in my life.

A lot of it has to do with the fact that my weight loss has been null and void for months and months and...well, you get the picture.

I started this blog because I wanted it to be a personal journal - separate and individual from my weight loss blog.  I wanted an outlet where I could come to when I just wanted to write...about anything that's on my mind.

I've done that every day on my other blog because I've been avoiding the fact that I'm not losing weight - but I feel that I have to write about something.  So, that blog has been filled with my daily goings on, family life, my job - and everything else that this blog is supposed to be for.

Then, this evening, I just got the urge to write.  I've already written a blog post for the other blog today - and I have another one that I will write there tomorrow.  So, I needed somewhere else where I could just pound the keyboard and release the urge.

If you've read this blog - but haven't been over at my other blog - then you don't know that I found a job.  I got hired by Headstart...and worked there for two weeks.  Then, exactly two days before the kids were supposed to come back from summer break, I got a call from an elementary school offering me a teaching assistant position.

The money at Headstart was better.  The job at Headstart was a lead teaching position.  I had my own class of kids, my own classroom.  But, it's not what I wanted.  I didn't hesitate at thinking about it - I took the $10,000 pay cut and took the assistant position.

At the end of the day, I went to school for four years to become a teacher.  Some would argue that Headstart was offering me that opportunity... but it wasn't.  From the very first day I ever stepped in to a college class, I had made the decision that I wanted to teach grades 1-4.  I'd take Kindergarten...if I had to... but my heart is not in working with toddlers.  It may sound harsh, but it's the truth.  I'm not cut out for supervising play all day, wiping behinds, and getting less than 30 minutes a day to teach a lesson.  I just can't do it.

The job that I have now gives me everything I want - except my own classroom and a nice teacher's salary.  I get to work with kids from 2nd - 5th grades.  I get to teach...in a way.  I get to help kids that are struggling, and help them achieve their goals.  I get the opportunity to prove to my principle that I have what it takes to be in a classroom with 25 kids - and be a damn good teacher.

I love my job.  I love the people I work with.  Most importantly, I am truly 100% in love with the kids at my school.  They come from all walks of life, all backgrounds....and every single one of them have a passion for learning.  They are caring, loving, supportive....they all watch out for each other...and the unity that I see every day can sometimes bring tears to my eyes.

This past summer was probably the most difficult time of my life.  Having so many doors slammed in my face left me broken, confused, angry.  I knew that I was put on this earth to do two things....love, care for, and raise my own children, and love, care for, and teach other children.  It's in my blood, I just couldn't imagine my life doing anything else.

So, after four years of schooling and thinking that the time had come to the second purpose of my life - and come up empty handed?   Biggest blow to my system I've ever had.

But, like I always say, everything happens for a reason. 

After being at the elementary I'm in, now, for three months...I just know that this is where I'm supposed to be.  I plan on learning everything I can this year....by being a teaching assistant I get front row seats at watching some of the best teachers I've ever seen at work.  I get to learn from them, receive guidance from them, and be a part of molding the minds of some fantastic students.

I hope that this year ends with the biggest bang I could ever receive:  A permanent teaching position... but I can't jump the gun.  I will be devastated if my teaching dreams are shattered once again next year - if I don't receive a position at this school.... but with the knowledge I'm gaining right now - I hope it will put me as a front runner at other schools... if that should have to happen.

I'm trying to not get my hopes up too much....I just don't think I can go through another summer like I did this year.  But it's hard.  I love everything about where I am now.  I feel the spark that I heard so much about in school.  That connection that teachers get when they know they're in the right school.  I feel it.  Each and every day.

I just have to hope and pray that this position is the foot in the door...the stepping stone to my future.  I can't realistically stay in this position for another year.  The pay just isn't enough to support my family - and we are sacrificing a lot this year just with the hope that it could lead to a full-time teaching job.  Hope isn't going to get my family through any more years.  This is it.  If something doesn't happen next year - it's back to the corporate world for me.

Just the thought of that makes me want to cry. 

I won't let it get to me, though.  I'm going to do everything in my power to make this year a phenomenal year.  Then maybe, just maybe I'll be able to see my dreams come true.

If I Will It...Will It Happen??

The job search saga continues....although this week has been pretty productive.

I had an interview at DHS on Monday.  It's for a job that has absolutely no relation to working with kids... but it's a job, and like I said before... I'm not passing anything up.

The interview went well.  The woman seemed to like me.  The problem is, it's going to be a couple of weeks before I hear anything.  And they don't expect anyone to start until August 22nd.

That afternoon, I received a call about a position working with preschool children - specializing in kids that have come from abusive homes.  I interviewed for that position yesterday morning.

Walking in, I really had mixed emotions about the position.  I was told that the position is not teaching, but working as an assistant to the lead teacher.  The classes are very small, and the children all come from various situations - all involving some form of abuse, either sexual, physical, or emotional.  My duties would include being the person that helps with behavioral management....more like a counselor type position than teaching. 

Walking out, I was excited - and realized it's a job I'd enjoy doing.

Now, it's just time to sit and wait...again.

The summer is coming to an end - and I've been told by many that teaching jobs start to open up this time of year.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed.  I'm sure that there's something out there for me.  I'm hoping if my will is strong enough - it will find me.