Things Are Coming Along Nicely

I've had the chance to work in my classroom for a total of 4 days, all told.  And, I've amazed myself at the progress that I've made.  And when I say "I", that really means Peanut and I.  She has been such a great help - and has done so much to help me out.  I wouldn't be near as finished as I am if it weren't for her.

So, today, we've decided to take a day off - because there's really not much more we can do until I get to meet with my principal tomorrow morning and get some idea how the year is going to start.  I've held off on finishing up the decorating - because I really want to put up posters that reflect that current learning....not just cute posters that make the room look good.  Such a teacher, aren't I?

Even though not too much has changed since I posted pictures last time - I wanted to show the most updated pics of my classroom.  So, here's the before pics and the most current pics - that I took yesterday...

Day One

A week later

Day One

A week later

The desks all now have name plates on them and colored pencil holders.  The bulletin boards are pretty much finished - except for the purple one in the corner.  And, I've made some progress to my desk and the library area...

I still need more storage room for my books.  I only emptied less than half of my book collection - and the book shelves are already almost full. 

All in all, we are pretty much done with what we can be done with until my meeting with the principal tomorrow. 

It really is such a great feeling walking in to my classroom now.  It's all kind of sunk in that I'm really going to be doing this - teaching, that is.  It's been a long time in the making, and finally it's really all setting in that I've accomplished a life-long dream.  Such a surreal feeling, that's for sure. 

I have a week and four days until I go back to work.  That sounds weird.  A week from Friday, I'll be attending new teacher orientation - and my journey will officially begin.  Just a weekend and two days after that, the kids will be stepping in to our new room for their first day.  I'm ready...well, not exactly - but mentally I am. 


OK, time to enjoy my day off - I guess.

One Exciting Thing to Another

The last time I wrote here, I was all excited because my kids were going away for a week to their grandparent's house - and I was going to spend a week completely alone with Hubby.  And throughout that entire week, I didn't come here once.  Not sure why...it was a great week.  But, I didn't.

That week, we spent time being extremely laid back.  We did make a few trips out.  One trip was to Tulsa to spend the day shopping.  Another trip was to the movies - where we saw two movies - and then out for dinner.  Both trips were nice - but nothing compared to the time we got to spend at home doing nothing more than relaxing. 

But even spending a glorious week relaxing with Hubby is nothing compared to the excitement that I've felt this week.  An excitement I've waited so long for, it's not even funny.  And that excitement was attributed to the fact that Monday was the first day I was able to get in to my classroom.

Words can't even explain how amazing and wonderful it felt to step in to my very own classroom.  And one the excitement wore off just a tad, the sudden onset of overwhelming anxiety hit.  Seeing my classroom, completely bare, made me realize just how much work I needed to do.  But thankfully, I have a couple of weeks to get it all done - and now I'm not so overwhelmed.

The very first thing I did when I stepped in to my room was take some pictures.  I wanted "before" pictures to look back on.  And here they are...

Pic from the back of the room

The literal first glimpse at my room

And after spending two days in my room, it now looks like this...

Bulletin boards now decorated

Desks and chairs unstacked

Some improvement - but still a long way to go.

Peanut and I will spending another day in there tomorrow, and then all next week will be hitting it hard.  My goal is to have the room completely ready to go by next Friday. 

It's so exciting!!

What To Do When There's No Kids For A Week?

I'm a little giddy today.  It will sound bad why I'm so giddy... but in all honesty?  I don't care!

Tomorrow or Monday, I'm going to be taking my kids to my parent's house to spend an entire week.  All three of them.  Well, one is already there... but the other two are going to join her.  And that excites me beyond explanation.

Before anyone starts thinking that I'm the kind of mother who can't wait to pawn her kids off to someone else - check yo'self!  I've been home since May 17th with my kids.  In fact, for the first four weeks following that date - I was not only home with them, but with three children that weren't mine.  So, I know you're thinking "Big Whoop - They are my kids I should be home with them".  But EVERYONE deserves a break!

I love my kids, and I love spending time with them.  But, sometimes this momma needs some alone time.  She needs time to be able to spend some quality one-on-one time with her amazing fiance.  She just needs time to breath.

And, the best part is the fact that my kids LOVE spending time with their grandparents.  My mom has a pool - and a pool during the summer is all my kids need to keep them occupied.  So, this isn't just a vacation for me - it's also a vacation for them.  Cause, I know that my kids sometimes get sick of spending every single minute of ever single day with me.

So, what is a gal to do when she has a whole week to do whatever the heck she wants?

I have no idea.

I know I'll be spending a lot of time at the gym.  I know that I'll be spending a lot of time with Hubby.  But, I really want to have a "stay-cation".  Something that we wouldn't normally do with the kids in the house.  Go to the movies, go out to dinner, visit places we haven't been before.  You know, like date stuff.

One thing Hubby and I didn't ever do was the "dating" thing.  We met, we chatted online and on the phone, we started meeting regularly at my house, and then he moved in.  We didn't go out.  We never went out on dates.  Dates consisted of spending an hour or two at my house watching TV before he had to leave to go to work.  We got to know each other by spending hours and hours talking online.

Now that we've been together for more than 7 years?  I'm ready to date my Hubby (who isn't technically my official Hubby yet, but that's in the works). And this may be a little more challenging than it sounds.  You see, Hubby is a homebody.  He would much rather rent a movie, sit on his chair, and relax.  Going out isn't something he particularly likes doing.  Going out is my thing...something I always want to do.

But what's the fun in that?

I can do that any time...with our without the kids here.

So, now I have to come up with some stuff that we can both do - and both enjoy.  And I only have a day to plan.  The decision for my kids to go to their grandparents just happened this morning.

What makes it more difficult is the fact that Hubby works nights.  He has an inkling that he might have a few days off next week - or even get off work early - but that still makes being out during the day difficult... cause the guy has to rest.

But, I'm confident that I'll come up with some stuff.  There's no way I'm going to let this opportunity slip through my fingers.  Just not going to happen.

Time to start planning!!

Less Than One Month to Go

Time flies when you're having fun, I guess.  Or more appropriately, time flies when I don't bother to come here and update what I'm doing more often.

Truth of the matter is, it's hard keeping up with two blogs.  I'm religious at posting on my other blog - and when the purpose of this blog is to share everything else that's going on in my life minus the weight loss stuff, I come to the conclusion that not much more goes on in my life.  Period.

It's been four weeks since I got back from my parent's house.  Four weeks of waking up whenever I want, moseying around the house, coming up with things to do to keep the kids occupied, and trying not to stab someone anytime I hear "Mooooommmm...can you tell *child of choice* to stop looking at me".

Ahhh, the life of a stay-at-home during the summer mom.

Then, this morning, it hit me that in exactly four weeks tomorrow, I'll be returning back to work...as a 4th grade teacher.  And honestly?  It still hasn't sunk it.  I still haven't been able to wrap my mind around the fact that in four weeks, I'll be embarking on the journey I've waited my whole life for.  OK, not exactly my whole life - but 25 out of the 30 I've been alive.

Since being back from my parent's, I've successfully boxed up all of the books I've collected over the past few years to go in to my classroom library.  All 665 of them.  It took so much longer than I thought it would.. because it's not as easy as taking them off the shelves and placing them in boxes.  Nope.  I had to catalog each book in to an online catalog system, write my name on each one, and then add the AR reading information in to each book.  It took days and days and days.

There are now 6 huge boxes full of books sitting in my kitchen.  And the thought of now having to lift them in to the truck and unload them in to my classroom has me a little worried.  They are freaking heavy!  Thank goodness we own a dolly. 

I'm hoping that in the next week or so I'll get an email from the principal to tell me that I can start getting stuff moved in.  I know it's going to take me a while to get my classroom cleaned and organized the way I want it.  Thankfully, Peanut is excited to help me out.  I was worried that helping her mom in the classroom would be the last thing she wanted to do - being that she was so upset about having to move school districts - but she's told me she wants to help.  So, I am very happy about that.

In the past couple of weeks, I've realized I wasn't allowing myself to be as excited as I should be - because I was clinging to the sadness that came from having to leave the other school district I worked in the past year.  But, a lot of home truths have surfaced in the past few weeks that made me realize that I got the job in the place I'm supposed to be.  I've realized that I can't hold on to the past.  And I most certainly can't feel upset that I didn't get a job in the school I thought I would. 

A new start is exactly what I need.  A new area.  A new faculty.  A new beginning.

Now, I'm rearing to go.  My summer has gone on quite long enough.  Yes, being at home has been wonderful - and I definitely needed the break... but now I'm ready to start.  I want in my classroom.  I want to start preparing.  I'm ready to meet my students.

Just one more month!

My Summer Begins in 24 Hours!!

I last wrote on the night of the half way mark of being at my parent's house - so it's only fitting that I write the night before I finally get to go home.

In approximately 24 hours, I will be on my way back to my own house - for good. And it feels FANTASTIC.

Things haven't exactly gone as smoothly as I thought they would go. While I've only been watching one extra child this past week - stuff around the house has been an issue. First, the toilet broke in the kids' bathroom. Nothing major - it's still usable, but will need to be fixed when they get back. Then, my son broke the ride-on lawnmower. My niece broke her glasses. One of the baby chickens died. And the kicker was, two days ago, one of the laptop screens just broke. For no rhyme or reason.

So, my parents are in for a few minor problems when they return.

It could be worse, though. At the end of the day, they did get someone to come and live in their house and take care of their foster kids while they were away. Not only that, but I also had farm animals to take care of, yard work to keep up with, and the rest of the household chores. Not exactly the scenario for how to spend the first month of my summer break - so they can't complain too much. I hope.

When push comes to shove, it could have really been a lot worse for me. While I have been stressed to the max with not being at home with Hubby, and having a lot more responsibility than I'm used to... I'm glad my parents got to take their vacation.

Once I get home, I'll have about 6 weeks left of my summer break before it's time for me to start working on my classroom and getting ready for my first school year as a 4th grade teacher. But, my work will begin WAY before that.

The first item on my to-do list is to inventory and box up all of my books that will go in to my classroom. Then I have to box up all of the other stuff I've collected. I feel like I have a ton of stuff at home - but I'm sure that once it's all in the classroom, it won't look like much.

My office will look bare once all of my school stuff is cleared out. It will feel very weird - but good weird. It will all finally be in the place I've been intending for it to be - in my very own classroom.

I honestly feel like once I go home, it will finally sink in that I got my job. I haven't had any time to celebrate or think about the journey that I've been on to get to this place...and now that I've reached the destination - I need to celebrate and let it soak in. Practically the minute I was offered the job, I had about 20 minutes to celebrate. Then, it was right back to taking care of the stuff for my parents.

I plan on making up for lost time. I have some stuff planned for the next couple of weekends - and I really hope that at some point between when my parents get back and when it's time for me to start work, my parents will babysit my kids for a few days so that Hubby and I can have some time to ourselves. I've missed him a lot. And I think it's only fair. They got a whole month of a dream vacation - I at least deserve a few days of not having any kids.

I'm just glad I made it to this day...and I'll be even more glad at this time tomorrow.

Bring on the new job celebration!!

Reached the Halfway Mark

The weather today is absolutely beautiful. I'm sitting outside on the front porch watching the kids play - and it's barely 70 degrees. Almost a little too chilly to be out, compared to the weather we've had the past few days.

Being that today is almost over, I can finally celebrate reaching the halfway mark through my parent's vacation - and my time having to babysit. I've endured two weeks, and have only two weeks left. It's been rough, I'm not gonna lie - but I know that if I can make it this far I can make it the rest of the way.

The hardest part through all of this has been the arguing among the kids. Six children - that aren't used to being around each other - can be hard on them. It's even harder on me. The little kids are always bickering among themselves, and the older three are just plain mean to each other...the two girls versus the one boy. It's like Wrestle-mania with words all day long. Nasty stuff. If they would just get along, my life would be easy sailing.. but when does that ever happen?

The past two days, I've been able to spend some time at home. My home. That's helped ease some of my tension - but gosh I can't wait until I can sleep in my own bed again next to my honey. That's something I've dearly missed - and will miss for the duration of this time. Another down side has been that today I said goodbye to my dog, Asia. Hubby and I made the decision that she needed a better home - one with a fenced in yard. I found someone who seemed very nice - and someone that will give her a good home. Tough on me, but better for Asia.

Today I also got all of the stuff needed for my MO license in the mail. That's one stress off my mind. Now that's all taken care of, all I have to do is wait until I get the notification that I'm licensed to teach in MO. No more tests to complete, thank goodness. It's sad to think that I didn't even get a chance to use my AR teaching license in AR, but I will get plenty of use out of my MO teaching license.

Tonight, I'm going to curl up on the recliner and watch some TV and just relax. I deserve it. I have a couple of movies to watch, and I'm just going to enjoy some peace and quiet.

Tomorrow, one of the kids are going away for the weekend - so that will end some of the fighting between the little kids. Saturday, I get a day/evening out with Hubby. He and I are going to a wedding - and the kids will be staying with a friend of mine. It will be so nice to have some alone time, even if it is only for a couple of hours.

Alright, I've had enough... I'm actually cold - which is a great feeling. Time to get inside and relax!!

The Stuff That Can Change in 9 Days

Nine days ago, I sat in the exact same spot I'm sitting in now typing the last entry I made to this blog. Nine days ago it was a Sunday...the Sunday right after getting out of work for the summer, the first Sunday after arriving at my mom's house, and two days before the interview that would forever change my life as I knew it. Yet, it's been nine days since I've come here to talk about it.

That's mostly because I've written so much about it on my other blog, and in my private journals. Sometimes I forget about this blog...until times like this. It's 8pm..I'm sitting outside enjoying the summer evening, and I don't have anything else to do - so I think about coming here and writing. All of my other writing seems to take place in the morning.

Dinner has been cooked - by me. The dishes have been cleaned - by me. And now it's time for me to take a few moments to myself. No children. No noise - except the sounds of nature. Just me and the blog I often forget about.

The last time I wrote on this blog, I was talking about how calming and relaxing it is being at my parent's house. That situation has changed drastically. It didn't take very long to realize that taking care of 6 children all by myself is anything but relaxing. There are a lot of responsibilities I have to take care of. I have my own children to tend to, and three children that are not my own. I cook, clean, and run all over for appointments and errands. When I'm not doing that stuff there are usually arguments or bickering that I'm tending to. Occasionally, like tonight, I shut myself away from it all and take a few minutes to myself.

The last time I wrote in this blog, I wrote about how I still didn't have a teaching job yet I had an interview lined up the following Tuesday. It was the interview in Missouri. I went to the interview. I met a principal that had never met me before. She had only seen my online application. She had only spoken to me for about 5 minutes before meeting me in person to discuss the interview. She was not alone in interviewing me, she was with her assistant principal, another elementary principal, the superintendent, and a 4th grade teacher. She asked me questions. She listened to my responses. The whole thing took less than 30 minutes. Yet, in that 30 minutes that principal saw something in me that no other principal seemed to. She was the one I've been waiting for all this time. The one principal that would give me a chance to show her what I could do - and that I was born to be in the classroom.

A miracle happened that day. After answering the questions, being myself, laying everything out on the table....she offered me the chance. She asked me to be a 4th grade teacher in her school - right there on the spot. No "thanks, we'll let you know". No "well, we're interviewing a lot of people". All I heard was "I'd like to offer you a 4th grade position". A part of me didn't even believe it was real.

For so long I've been asking for that one principal that would do that very thing. I worked for an entire school year in a school district thinking that would be the key in making some contacts and getting my foot in the door for a teaching job. I was wrong. Even though I did get an interview - it wasn't the position I was supposed to have. I wasn't supposed to get a teaching job based on who I knew... I was supposed to get a teaching job working in a school that wanted me based on what I believed, my passions, and my ideas. And all this time I've been told that wasn't possible. HA!

I have many times described how I think that everything in life happens for a reason - even when the reasons make no sense at all. There was a reason I didn't get a teaching job last year. I didn't know what it was the whole time I was searching and coming up empty. There was a reason I took a teaching assistant position. However, the reason I thought I took that job wasn't correct. You see, this whole time I just thought I didn't know the right people. I didn't have enough connections in "the teaching world" in order to get noticed by someone. I thought that the TA job was the step I needed. I was wrong.

What I've now learned is that the job I've performed this past year served a very different reason - a far more important reason. I wasn't supposed to get a teaching job last year because my ego was too big for my head. The TA job was to teach me what teamwork really meant, it was supposed to give me more experience...and the most important reason I got that job was because I was supposed to discover how much I love working with diverse, economically challenged kids. The kids that don't have much - and need much more than a teacher in front of them.

The school in Missouri has a very diverse, low-income population. Walking in to that interview I already had an upper hand because I'd spent an entire school year working in a school that had a very similar population. The job I've done the past year was to prepare me for that interview. It was to show me the type of school I wanted to work in. And that was the school that finally hired me.

So, even though the past year has been tough, I now know the reason for all the heartache, all the let-downs, all the rejection. It was because I was supposed to wait for this opportunity. And when the opportunity finally came - it all made sense...every last bit of it. If that's not a sure fire sign of believing that everything happens for a reason - then I don't know what is.

I will be at my parent's house until June 15th. At that time, my summer can start. I can start making all the preparations I need to make to walk in to my classroom and start making it my own. I can box up all of the books, posters, anchor charts, and lesson plans I've collected over the past 5 years - they will now all have a home.

This is the moment I've been waiting 25 years for - and it feels fantastic. I couldn't be more happy...and now I know that my dream has just begun.

School's Out For Summer

Can you believe the last time I updated this blog was the week before Benchmark? And now, school is out. It's been over a month. How quickly I let my blogs slip through my fingers - but that's what happens when you try and keep up with 4 blogs, private journals, and everything else I've got going on with my writing.

I wish I could say that I've managed to find a teaching job, but alas - no such luck just yet. I've had two interviews. One interview was a district wide interview, and the other was at one of the schools in the district I'm working in. It's a job I'd love to have - a small, quaint school, but a part of a huge district. The best of both worlds. I interviewed a little over a week ago - but there's been no word as of yet.

I have another interview scheduled on Tuesday morning - in Missouri. It's right over the state line, and not very far from my house. While I don't want to leave the district I'm working in now, I don't want to limit myself either. I have to expand and branch out with my search. I'm positive that I'll end up where I'm supposed to be.

The minute school got out, I gathered the kids up and traveled to my parent's house in Oklahoma. I'll be here for the next two weeks. I'm house sitting/ baby sitting for my parents while they are on vacation. In a way, it's a vacation for me. I'm out in the country. There's lots of open space for the kids to play, and the animals my brother has serves as a petting zoo to keep the kids occupied. I'm woken up each morning by a rooster or a turkey or goats or geese or ducks. The sounds of the country - got to love it.

Even though I'm suffering from the worst allergies, I'm a gluten for punishment. I'm sitting outside typing this. The weather is absolutely beautiful, and it's just too nice to sit inside. I don't even care that I have to stop every thirty seconds to blow my nose. The runny nose is tolerable - and this glorious evening out-weighs the annoyance of sniffing and sneezing.

Being here is definitely helping my stress level. A few days ago I was a panicked mess. I was at that stage I was in last year - tearful, depressed, wanting to do nothing more than curl up with a bag of M&Ms in the fetal position. But there's something about my parent's house that brings a calm over me. Being here tells me that everything is going to be OK - and everything will work its self out. Spending the next two weeks relaxing and soaking up some sun is definitely what I need.

This year, things are better. Worst case scenario is that I don't find a teaching job - but I have a job to go back to after the summer. I didn't have that little luxury this time last year. And worst case scenario isn't the best way to say it. Even though I want a teaching job more than anything, it definitely wouldn't be bad having to spend another year working with the people I grew to love this past year. I deserve a classroom, but if that just doesn't happen for me again this year - life will still be just fine.

I've spent some time writing today. I've updated my other blog, written in my private journal, dabbled with some poetry - and now I'm here. I have a feeling there will be lots of writing done over the next two weeks. It's what I do to help me relax. It's my meditation tool. I don't share most of the stuff I write with the world - but I enjoy sharing some of it. I've downloaded some neat journal apps on my iPad, so I'm all set to write as much as my little heart desires.

I feel really good right now. Better than I have in a long time. I don't feel like the world is against me. I feel like I just have to be patient and let my life's plan play out - my time will come...and until it does, I'm going to enjoy the moments in between. Relaxation is what it's all about right now...and relax I shall.

Ramble, Ramble, Ramble

Now that I have my iPad - and a fancy keyboard that basically turns my iPad in to a laptop - I get more of an urge to write.

For the past couple of nights, I've come home from work and fired up the iPad and just wanted nothing more than to pound away at the keyboard with the first thoughts that pop in to my head.

Most of it ends up in the cyber garbage can...but I figure I could use this sudden urge to write to work on updating this blog more often. There's some crickets a chirpin at me from these parts of the woods. It's time to dust off this blog and start using it for what it's for. To catch all of the crazy, idol thoughts that pop in to my head.

I bet you'll never guess where my head is tonight. Yep, you guessed it...job hunting.

I'm just over a week away until the rush starts. That magical time when Benchmark is finally over, and principles can start thinking about how they're going to fill the vacant teaching spots that are starting to appear. It's like the Black Friday for teaching jobs. If you don't get in early, you're just going to be aimlessly walking around hoping that someone's missed one of the great deals.

I thought I might feel a little more confident by now. I mean, I'm working in a school. I got "my foot in the door" as they say. But, I don't feel confident. I'm terrified. Terrified because there doesn't appear to be any openings at my school...and even though I'm working in a huge school district - I don't have any other contacts other than the people I'm immediately working with.

It's like my student teaching year all over again.

Being a student teacher in a huge school district didn't help me get any interviews in any of the other schools in that district. Why I thought it would be different now, I don't know.

I keep telling myself to stay positive. Don't let my stress get the best of me. Don't start falling in to a panicked frenzy. Don't slip in to a routine of a mind numbing case of reaching out, receiving no response, and ending up crying in bed at night. I just can't let that happen.

I have a game plan. I've made out a list - and checked it twice. I've polished my resume and portfolio until they gleam with pride. Now, I'm going to have to put my destiny in fate's hands. The universe has a plan for me - I know it. I was born to teach - I know it. Now, hopefully the two will collide and finally complete everything I've ever dreamed of.

I truly believe that there was a reason I didn't find a teaching job last year. I was meant to end up in the position I'm in now. I've learned so much over the past school year. I've learned how to work with kids from all walks of life, from all backgrounds. I've learned how to work on different teams. I've learned about the value of school culture. I got a chance to live my first year "out in the real world" sitting on the side lines and soaking up more knowledge that will benefit me in my own classroom.

But now? I'm ready. I know it.

Next week is going to be stressful. It's Benchmark testing week. It will be a long week, a tough week - but I need to be strong for my kiddos. I need to be there for them. I need to support them every step of the way. And I shall.

I'm keeping the stress at bay. I'm hoping this blog will keep me straight. Fingers crossed.

Freeing the Bad to Enjoy the Good

I've come to accept that when good enters my life, I should prepare for something bad to happen.  It's just the way I think.  Not in a negative "nothing good can ever happen to me" way - but more of just being cautious not to get too big in the britches about having my share of goodness.

For the past few months, I have felt some weight on my shoulders.  I thought the best thing to do would be to ignore it, pretend like it's not even there, and eventually it will disappear.  As long as I stay positive, keep my mind focused on being happy - I wouldn't let the stress and turmoil have a second to rear their ugly heads.

I was wrong.  The more I pretend, the worse it becomes.  Keeping a smile on my face just isn't working anymore.

This week, I had the first "positive" week since starting my weight loss journey (again) in January.  In the past three weeks, I've gone to play bingo twice - and won $3100...bringing $1700 of that home (after splitting my first winnings with my mom).  Life has been good for the past few weeks - on the outside.

Moments like those make keeping the smile on my face easier.  They make me start believing that all my troubles can just disappear.  Then, I get blindsided with an event that makes all the inner demons rush to the surface.

For those of you that don't know, I have a son that had to spend 3 months at the end of last year in a psychiatric hospital.  Since he came home, I've told myself that I can't ever let something like that happen again.  I've told myself as long as I show him nothing but love and support, he won't have any more "episodes", he won't lie, he won't get in to major trouble.

When I've seen glimpses of an episode, or he lies, or he gets in to major trouble - I tell myself that it was somehow my fault... I somehow failed him... I'm not doing my job right.  Up until yesterday, I truly believed that everything that's happened to him was my fault.  Until yesterday.

A visit with his therapist unveiled some truths I'm not sure I was ready for.  The first one being that it's definitely not my fault he acts the way he does.  He has an illness that affects his brain.  It's not anybody's fault.  Stuff like this happens.  Another being that the more I try to convince myself that just showing him love will fix all of his issues, the more damage I'm doing to him.  That one was the one that knocked the wind out of me.  What I heard was loving my son too much would destroy him.  Of course, the words that were actually said were more along the lines of not allowing him to make mistakes, go through episodes, and learning to handle his behaviors would end up harming him more than help him.

I hold a lot of fears in me when it comes to my son.  I fear that he will never have a normal life due to the illnesses that affect his brain, stop him from processing his thoughts and actions.  I fear that he will end up moving through the system of psychiatric facilities, alternative schools, and maybe even prison.  My biggest fear?  That he will end up like his biological father.  I know that sounds stupid - compared to my other fears - but it truly is the one I fear the most.  I never want my son to turn in to that man.  I just can't let that happen.

The problem is, I'm denying him the chance of fixing his issues and putting him on the fast track of turning in to that man.  Just because I'm refusing to hold him responsible for his actions.

Everything I do in life has a stem from my past.  My emotional eating.  My nervous anxieties.  My quirky fears.  And the way I parent.  Some of the stems I'm aware of - others are hiding inside of me, waiting to be set free.

His therapist - who is now going to become my therapist for a while - unveiled the secret of the demons that I'm carrying around.  He made it very clear - if I don't fix me, I'll never be able to fix him.  As long as I carry around the fears and guilt that I do - he'll continue to increase his behaviors until he explodes.  I have to let him fail, I have to let him face the consequences of his actions, I have to enforce those consequences - regardless of what he may do in the process.  I have to let him face the truths of life.

I left the therapist's office yesterday full of mixed emotions.  I was scared.  I was hopeful.  I wanted to pretend that I wouldn't need to "get tough".  And then, just one day later, my son needed the toughness my therapist was talking about.  My son's lying is habitual.  It's out of control.  He lies for the sake of lying - even knowing that he's going to get caught.  Today, I had to lay the law down and take away a visit to his grandmother's this weekend.

Of course, his immediate reaction was anger and to blame me.  I'm the one being unfair.  I'm the one that makes his life so horrible.  I hear the words and they are like razors to my heart.  As much as I wanted to hug him and say I was sorry for making him mad, sorry that I was hurting him - I just couldn't.  He has to face the consequences of his actions.  He has to feel the pain.

He doesn't know or realize the pain it causes me.  And I'm OK with that.  Feeling the pain makes me realize that I'm doing the right thing.  If it was easy, I would doubt the love I have for my child.

In the next few weeks, there are going to be some drastic changes made to my lifestyle.  I have to start getting a grip.  I have to start shelling out some tough love.  It petrifies me - but it's completely necessary.  If I want my son to come to terms with his illness - he has to experience it, learn about it, and learn how to cope.  I just hope I have the strength to do it.  I do have the strength to do it.  It's just accepting the bad that comes with the good.  I won't get to enjoy any immediate actions, I'm sure of that... but I'm going to free the bad so that eventually - I will wholeheartedly enjoy the good.

I'm In That Mood Again...

I've got the urge to write.  Not about anything in particular, but just let my fingers go 90 to nothing in an attempt to cure whatever it is that's plaguing me and making me want to write. 

I always know when something's bothering me - just by the level of how bad I want to start writing.  Most of the time, I don't even know what it the problem is... but writing always makes me feel better.  I think I know what's eating at me today - but it's really a topic for my other blog.  I'm feeling a little down because I haven't been able to get back in to the swing of losing weight.  See.  Told ya it was meant for my other blog.  Don't worry, though, it's not what I'm going to write about...even if it is what's on my mind.

It's not really about the weight loss, or the lack thereof, when I think about it.  It's not being able to follow through.  Not being able to commit.  Keeping this wall up in front of me that stops me from taking a leap.  I'm feeling the same way about work. 

I love my job, don't get me wrong.  I love working with the kiddos, and the awesome people that I work with.  It's not the job that's been niggling at me - it's the looking for a new one that's causing the niggles.  I know, again with the job searching stuff, right? 

It's not really about that, either.  It's the fact that I can't put my heart completely in doing what I'm doing because I'm so damn preoccupied with thinking about finding a new job...even though I don't want to leave where I am.  If my life was meant to be perfect, I'd get a job teaching full-time in the school I'm in now.  That would be the perfect scenario.  It would fix all of the ills going on inside of my head.  But how often do I get to have my cake and eat it too?  I mean that metaphorically, and not speaking about my weight whatsoever!

That's the part that scares me the most.  Every time I feel like I've found my place...where I'm supposed to be.. something happens and I don't get to do what I want to do.  It's out of my control - and my hopes and dreams come crashing down around me.

Being able to stay in the school I'm in now would mean so much.  I'd be able to stay with the kiddos I've grown to love.  I'd be able to stay working with the people I gladly call my friends.  I'd be able to work for a principle and assistant principle that I deeply respect.  My daughter would be able to stay in the school that she's grown to love...and my son would join her at that same school next year. 

You see what I mean?  That's so much to hang my hopes on.  I have even more at stake than I did last year...and look how last year turned out for me.  I can only hope that there was a reason I was brought to this school.  Boy, I hope that's it.  For once in my life, I'd love to be able to scream "A-HA!! This was what all that heart ache was for!!"  That would be nice.  So nice.

But, it's still very early in the year.  I still have a few months to go before I have to get all "crazy" with the job search.  But I can't help letting it take over me right now.  Believe me, I've tried.  I know this is going to sound pretty stupid - but I think this is the reason I'm having such a hard time with my weight loss.  Somewhere in my warped mind, I feel like if I succeed with something like my weight loss - I'll take the chance of not succeeding with my job search.  I know... I did warn you that it would sound stupid.  But I can't help feeling that way. 

It's like I'm trying to store all of my success so that it will flow in to getting my dream job. I can't go around doing something great like losing all the weight I gained last year...that might jinx me when I need the success for an interview. 

Then again, on the flip side, if I can buckle down with my weight - and lose it again - maybe that will be a good talking point when I'm trying to persuade a principle how good I am at committing to something. 

It's all crazy talk.  But, again, it's nice to be able to come here and let it all out.  Even if I did sway back in to the weight loss topic...it was still related to what I had intended on coming here to write about.

I need to get my head in the game.  I need something else to focus on.  Maybe if I started losing the weight and working out again, I'd be preoccupied with something more healthy than worrying about getting a teaching job next year.  Sounds like a plan to me! 

See - writing works miracles!

The Time Has Come... Once Again....

It feels weird to think that 10 days of 2012 have already passed.  Ten whole days.  I made a few resolutions, like getting back in to losing weight.  Then, there's the resolution that I really have no control over.  The resolution that makes my palms sweaty just thinking about.  The resolution to try, once again, to find a teaching job.

I know. It's only January.  It's far too early to be worrying about that.  But it's not.  Not for me.  It's all I've thought about since January of 2007 - the first time I stepped in to a college classroom. 

I wasn't planning on thinking about it yet.  It just kinda happened.  Someone I worked with casually asked me if I had started thinking about looking for a job...and that was it.  I was infected with the virus.  The virus that had my emotions doing a crazy dance for the majority of last year.  I didn't want the ride to start yet.  I thought I had another couple of months.  But, apparently, it's out of my control.

I keep telling myself that I won't drive myself nutso this time around.  I'll do what I have to do... but I'm not going to let myself fall in to a downward spiral of despair and frustration.  I know, who am I kidding, right?

This year is a little different, for now.  I'm working in a school.  That's a big start, but then again, I was in a school last year.  The plus side is that I'm not in a school with 5 other interns, all competing for one job.  No, now I'm in a school competing all by myself - but there's no guarantee that a job will come open for me or I'd even get hired for a job if one came available.  Another year of graduates will be walking across the stage this May.  Another pool of hopefuls all in the same position I was in last year.  Which makes my competition that much more fierce.

One thing I keep telling myself, though, is that this year if things don't go my way - I'm still employed.  I still have a position in a school.  Trying to stay as positive as I can. 

I've already started working on my resume and portfolio.  Don't want to be worrying about it at the last minute.  It keeps me hopeful, and reminds me that I've got a task in hand, goal in sight. 

I don't know how often I'll come here to complain vent explain how I'm feeling.  I'm going to use the blog for what it was intended for - to let off some steam when I have nowhere else to do it.  My other blog is still a mish mash of my life... but I don't want to consume it with job hunting.  No, I have this blog to do that.  No one will read it, I'm sure, but it makes me feel better.

Writing is my relief.  It could be drugs or alcohol or gambling.  I'm blessed that I use writing as my way of getting the blues out and making myself feel better.  Goes to show how much I should be a teacher, right?  Yeah, I think so too.

I'll probably be showing my face a lot more around here, now that I've got the job hunting virus.  I just hope with everything inside of me that this is the year I can start a blog post with I GOT A TEACHING JOB!!  One step at a time, Joanna, one step at a time.

Just Feel Like Writing

It's been 4 months since I've written anything here.

Not because I didn't want to - but because I started using my other blog as a modge podge of everything going on in my life.

A lot of it has to do with the fact that my weight loss has been null and void for months and months and...well, you get the picture.

I started this blog because I wanted it to be a personal journal - separate and individual from my weight loss blog.  I wanted an outlet where I could come to when I just wanted to write...about anything that's on my mind.

I've done that every day on my other blog because I've been avoiding the fact that I'm not losing weight - but I feel that I have to write about something.  So, that blog has been filled with my daily goings on, family life, my job - and everything else that this blog is supposed to be for.

Then, this evening, I just got the urge to write.  I've already written a blog post for the other blog today - and I have another one that I will write there tomorrow.  So, I needed somewhere else where I could just pound the keyboard and release the urge.

If you've read this blog - but haven't been over at my other blog - then you don't know that I found a job.  I got hired by Headstart...and worked there for two weeks.  Then, exactly two days before the kids were supposed to come back from summer break, I got a call from an elementary school offering me a teaching assistant position.

The money at Headstart was better.  The job at Headstart was a lead teaching position.  I had my own class of kids, my own classroom.  But, it's not what I wanted.  I didn't hesitate at thinking about it - I took the $10,000 pay cut and took the assistant position.

At the end of the day, I went to school for four years to become a teacher.  Some would argue that Headstart was offering me that opportunity... but it wasn't.  From the very first day I ever stepped in to a college class, I had made the decision that I wanted to teach grades 1-4.  I'd take Kindergarten...if I had to... but my heart is not in working with toddlers.  It may sound harsh, but it's the truth.  I'm not cut out for supervising play all day, wiping behinds, and getting less than 30 minutes a day to teach a lesson.  I just can't do it.

The job that I have now gives me everything I want - except my own classroom and a nice teacher's salary.  I get to work with kids from 2nd - 5th grades.  I get to teach...in a way.  I get to help kids that are struggling, and help them achieve their goals.  I get the opportunity to prove to my principle that I have what it takes to be in a classroom with 25 kids - and be a damn good teacher.

I love my job.  I love the people I work with.  Most importantly, I am truly 100% in love with the kids at my school.  They come from all walks of life, all backgrounds....and every single one of them have a passion for learning.  They are caring, loving, supportive....they all watch out for each other...and the unity that I see every day can sometimes bring tears to my eyes.

This past summer was probably the most difficult time of my life.  Having so many doors slammed in my face left me broken, confused, angry.  I knew that I was put on this earth to do two things....love, care for, and raise my own children, and love, care for, and teach other children.  It's in my blood, I just couldn't imagine my life doing anything else.

So, after four years of schooling and thinking that the time had come to the second purpose of my life - and come up empty handed?   Biggest blow to my system I've ever had.

But, like I always say, everything happens for a reason. 

After being at the elementary I'm in, now, for three months...I just know that this is where I'm supposed to be.  I plan on learning everything I can this year....by being a teaching assistant I get front row seats at watching some of the best teachers I've ever seen at work.  I get to learn from them, receive guidance from them, and be a part of molding the minds of some fantastic students.

I hope that this year ends with the biggest bang I could ever receive:  A permanent teaching position... but I can't jump the gun.  I will be devastated if my teaching dreams are shattered once again next year - if I don't receive a position at this school.... but with the knowledge I'm gaining right now - I hope it will put me as a front runner at other schools... if that should have to happen.

I'm trying to not get my hopes up too much....I just don't think I can go through another summer like I did this year.  But it's hard.  I love everything about where I am now.  I feel the spark that I heard so much about in school.  That connection that teachers get when they know they're in the right school.  I feel it.  Each and every day.

I just have to hope and pray that this position is the foot in the door...the stepping stone to my future.  I can't realistically stay in this position for another year.  The pay just isn't enough to support my family - and we are sacrificing a lot this year just with the hope that it could lead to a full-time teaching job.  Hope isn't going to get my family through any more years.  This is it.  If something doesn't happen next year - it's back to the corporate world for me.

Just the thought of that makes me want to cry. 

I won't let it get to me, though.  I'm going to do everything in my power to make this year a phenomenal year.  Then maybe, just maybe I'll be able to see my dreams come true.

If I Will It...Will It Happen??

The job search saga continues....although this week has been pretty productive.

I had an interview at DHS on Monday.  It's for a job that has absolutely no relation to working with kids... but it's a job, and like I said before... I'm not passing anything up.

The interview went well.  The woman seemed to like me.  The problem is, it's going to be a couple of weeks before I hear anything.  And they don't expect anyone to start until August 22nd.

That afternoon, I received a call about a position working with preschool children - specializing in kids that have come from abusive homes.  I interviewed for that position yesterday morning.

Walking in, I really had mixed emotions about the position.  I was told that the position is not teaching, but working as an assistant to the lead teacher.  The classes are very small, and the children all come from various situations - all involving some form of abuse, either sexual, physical, or emotional.  My duties would include being the person that helps with behavioral management....more like a counselor type position than teaching. 

Walking out, I was excited - and realized it's a job I'd enjoy doing.

Now, it's just time to sit and wait...again.

The summer is coming to an end - and I've been told by many that teaching jobs start to open up this time of year.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed.  I'm sure that there's something out there for me.  I'm hoping if my will is strong enough - it will find me.

Holding It All In

I've been trying so hard....to remain calm, to not get emotional, to just take one day at a time.

It's been hard, and it gets harder every day.

Jobs have evaporated... they're all gone.  I'm hoping with everything inside that more jobs will start to come available, but I'm now worrying that principles won't interview anymore - and just take people that they've already interviewed for other positions.

Every time my phone rings, and it's a number I don't recognize, my heart skips a beat - my stomach churns... could this be the call I've been waiting for?  Is it an interview?  It's so hard living like this.

I've become obsessed with checking my email.  I think more to just get a response to an inquiry...will someone respond?

I come here, because it's the one place I can let out how I'm really feeling.

Daily I get asked the question "found anything yet?"  I put that smile on my face and respond with a cheery "not yet, but I'm not giving up hope".

That's true - yet I want to scream "NO! I haven't found anything yet.  I'm heartbroken.  I'm scared. Why can't I get a job?  Why won't someone give me a chance?"  I don't. Of course.  I can't.

Every morning, I still check every school website.  I check job posting pages for other jobs - education related.  I even make daily trips to Craigslist - cause maybe there will be something on there.  It's becoming a part of my normal routine... I just can't give up.

I hate feeling so much desperation.  I hate feeling so much resentment.

I see postings of friends who have found positions - and in steps that smile again...that smile that tells them I'm happy for them, why I'm screaming and crying on the inside.

I feel like a broken record.  I can't imagine that anyone is actually reading this - or enjoying it if they are. 

Writing is just my release - it's how I keep myself in check...get my calmness back...and cool down.

I'm living my life each day.  I keep my positivity in check.  I'm enjoying my time with the kids.  My time off is giving me a lot of time to think..that's good and bad.

Having free time gives me time to worry, to panic...to look at each day as another day passing by without a job.  It also gives me time to clean my house, write, read, and take my kids out.  I love every minute.  I hate every minute.

Once again, another replay of the same ol' same ol' that has consumed this blog.

Everyone say a prayer.  Cross your fingers.  Send positive vibes.

Maybe, just maybe, the next post I share is a lot more positive....I'm praying that the next post can be one that shares the news of a new job - or at least an  interview.  Think of me - please?

Enjoying the Summer

I can't believe it's already July.  Where does the time go?

Well, no surprise - I didn't get the job at the Catholic school.  Didn't even get a turn-down phone call, email, or Dear John letter.  I emailed the principal to check on the job - he emailed me back telling me I'd get a definite answer the following Friday....I waited...nothing.

It's frustrating when stuff like that happens.  Just let me know - I'm a big girl... I can take bad news.

Oh well, it was no shock.  Not a big deal.

Job hunting since has pretty much been at a stand still.  I did interview, today, for a position at Head Start.  They have a few teaching positions open.  The interview went well - but it will be a couple of weeks before I hear anything.

Apart from that, I've just been enjoying my summer. 

Got my first experience with camping two weeks ago.  It was so hot - but so much fun.  I went with my parents to the lake, slept in a tent, fished, had food cooked on an open fire, and swam.... good times. 

For the 4th, I took Jelly and my brother out to a local festival.  It was a lot of fun.  That evening, we had a big BBQ dinner - and then went back to the festival to watch fireworks.

Today, I'm going back to my parent's house and going to the river with the kiddos.  I'm really starting to enjoy doing stuff like this....it's fun, relaxing, and great times with the kids.

I've decided to live in the moment more...not worry too much about what's going to happen next week, next month, or months from now. I don't get the opportunity to spend so much time with my kids very often - so it's time to make these moments count.

I'm still positive that, when the time is right, I'll find the job I'm supposed to have.  Until then?  I'm enjoying my summer!!

Do You Believe In Signs?

If I could pick one motto to describe my life, it would be "everything happens for a reason". 

I've used that motto a thousand times when talking about every aspect of my life - and the life of others.  I believe I've spoken about it here, on this blog, too. I mentioned in a recent post how I believe everything happens for a reason - and sometimes the reason isn't known at first... it takes time for things to come into light and reveal themselves.

Because of my belief in this motto - I often make rash decisions, don't let many opportunities slip by me, and often take chances....because I don't want to regret anything.  If it turns out that something isn't supposed to be - then I accept it and move on... but at least I can say I tried.

That's happened a lot this past week. 

I've mentioned my trying other avenues in finding a job - DHS, working for an early childcare center.

The childcare center thing?  Well, I spent two days writing up a very basic grant proposal - and never heard back from them after submitting it.   That was one of those "I tried, and obviously isn't meant to be" scenarios.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine that I graduated with told me she had found a teaching position at a private Catholic School.  I was happy for her.  I was surprised, because she isn't Catholic - but happy that she'd found a job doing what she wants to do.

Friday morning, she gives me a call.  She was out with one of the teachers she's going to be working with, and found out that there was also a 3rd grade position open at her school.  They were talking about the kind of teacher the principle was looking for....and my name came up.  Her teacher friend told her to call me and have me contact the principle.

At first, I think - urm..well..I'm not Catholic.  Well - neither is she.  Then I think, well..urm..I'm not really that religious at all.  She tells me she's not either.  I then think...well, I could give it a shot... no harm in trying, right?

I call the school.  No answer.  Then a recorded message that says the school is closed for the summer and to leave a message.  I hung up. I tried to call my friend back.  No answer.  UGH!!  I take this as a sign.  Then, I think that's not fair - call back one more time and leave a message at the school. 

I call the school again to leave a message - and this time someone answers.  It's a woman that tells me she had just stopped by the school to gather a few things, and decided to answer the phone.  We get to talking - and she reveals that she is the assistant principle.  She tells me that she's not sure if the position has been filled, but she wanted me to send her my resume - and that she would personally call the principle to speak to him.  She told me that it had to be some kind of sign for her to be there to answer the phone.  I, at that moment, had to agree.

Not even ten minutes later, I get a call from the principle - asking if I can come in for an interview.  He sounded very nice - had a great sense of humor (didn't want to interview on Friday, because he "needed a nap" LOL).  He asked me if I'd be available Saturday morning because he "wanted to get this position filled as soon as possible - so he could enjoy his summer off".  I, of course, agreed.

The interview went very well - at first.  We had a great conversation about the school's curriculum, the beliefs of the school - including not necessarily hiring Catholic teachers in order to get the best education for the students - and the requirements of the job.  He told me about the benefits and gave me a tour of the school.  I have to admit, I was very excited...I really could see myself teaching in the school.

Then...I think I made a big mistake.  I told the principle that even though I wasn't Catholic, I thought it only fair to study Catholicism - so that I knew the foundation and beliefs of the church.  I'm not sure why, but his demeanor changed a little after my professing that I would dedicate some of my time learning about the Catholic faith.  He then explained that it wasn't a case of "knowing how to be a Catholic" that was important - but giving children a good education, while allowing them their religious freedoms in the classroom. 

He spoke of other Catholic schools that he'd taught in where there were Muslim students, Jewish students, Christian students, etc.  It was about community, fellowship, and instilling good religious morals into each of the children.  I had seemed to have missed the point. 

After hearing him speak, my heart sank.  It appeared I had somehow offended him.  It wasn't intentional, of course, and I understood what he was saying.  What I thought to be a good gesture on my part - ended up being, in my mind, the worst thing I could have said.

He told me at the end of the interview that he had to pray about what to do with the decision.  He escorted me out - while we chit chatted.  It was his last statement that resounded inside of me.  "Well, Joanna, wherever you end up just remember that it's impacting the children that's important."

That was it.  The nail in the coffin.  The famous words I have heard many a time in my journey of finding a teaching job.

Unlike previous let downs, I wasn't emotional or distraught.  Disappointed? Yes, a little. 

I am still a firm believer in everything happening for a reason - and signs.  I mistook the signs associated with this opportunity wrong, apparently - but I had to try.

Now, I'm back to living one day at a time - there are a few new openings that have appeared on the public school websites.  I applied - again - now, time to wait - again.

Waiting for a Door to Open

Well, it's pretty official.  All of the jobs I've applied for in the public schools are gone - and I didn't get one of them.

Don't panic - I'm OK.  Surprisingly, I'm more OK than I thought I'd be. 

My best friend got an interview at the last school I was waiting to hear from the other day.  I was so upset when she told me, I didn't even congratulate her...and I felt terrible.  I gave myself a little pep talk, told myself it wasn't the end of the world, and then called my BF and apologized profusely.

Now that the doors to the public schools seemed to have remained firmly locked, I've started to consider some different avenues.  I'm considering the possibility of working for DHS as a family service worker... I still get to work with kids, get good pay...something to think about.

Something else I'm working on right now is the possibility of working for a early childhood education center as a development manager.  The development manager is the person responsible for retaining all of the funds to run the place.  It includes grant writing, lobbying, public speaking.... right up my alley, right?

OK, so it's not teaching - but it's working with and for education.

So, I interviewed for the job on Tuesday.  It was a long interview - and very informative.  I got really excited about hearing what the job entails...and it's a lot of work.  A. LOT.  Basically, my responsibility would entail securing 1.5 to 2 million dollars in funds, and rallying the state's capitol to get early childhood education a spotlight.

As a follow up, I've been asked to write a mock grant proposal - so they can get an idea of my writing skills.  Well, immediately I got excited...then nervous.  I've never written a grant before.  I had no idea where to start. 

In my professional career, I've dealt with all kinds of business proposals and legal contracts - but writing a grant?  Nope. Never.

I could of gracefully bowed out and said "thanks, but no thanks".  I mean, why would they give a job to a person that has absolutely no experience in grant writing?  But something inside of me told me to give it a shot.  Yes, I'm insane...no shocker there.

I immediately headed for Barnes & Noble after my interview and picked up the one book that I hoped would be able to help me out:  Grant Writing for Dummies.

So, I don't have time to read the whole book - but it did help in giving me the basic tools on where to at least start.  With a few pages read and a few clicks of Internet research, I was on my way to the bare bones structure of a grant proposal. 

I've been working on it, now, since yesterday.  I have no clue if what I'm doing is even on the right track... I've learned that it's very hard to write a grant proposal for a company I really know nothing about to a company I invented about a project that I'd envision possibly being a benefit to both said companies.  It's a daunting task...yet, I still continue on.

I figure, I might as well give it a shot.  I have to admit, when I worked for the nation's biggest retailer - I loved the corporate world.  I was good at my job.  I was good at communicating with people - both in person and via written correspondence.  I was organized, yet always busy.  I like jobs that are demanding, challenging, and time consuming.  I don't know why, but I've always been happiest when I'm extremely busy.

I will admit, though, it is a lot of work just for an interview.  I mean, I've been researching and reading for hours...and only 3 pages in to the grant proposal.  It's going to be very upsetting to do all of this work just to get those magic words "We're Sorry".  Although, I realize that I'm the one that took on this daunting task - knowing full well I have absolutely no experience writing grants... so it will be my own fault if they decide to keep looking for someone else.

Alright, that's enough stalling... back to grant writing I go.

Hello Adventure!!

I still feel great. 

Apart from my usual browsing the school websites each morning to see if any new openings are available - I really haven't given much thought to finding a job for the past few days.

I've found a new me.  No, that's not right.  I've found the old me.  The me that's happy, calm, cheerful.  That's who I am - always have been...for the most part.  It feels good.

Now that I'm back to my old self - I want to try some new things.  It's summer break - which means I'm free to do whatever I want..cost dependant.

For some reason, I've really wanted to go camping the past few weeks.  Maybe it's because it was brought up in a discussion with some girl friends.  I've never been camping.  Well, that's not completely true.  I went camping - once - when I was in high school.  I slept in the car, because I was too freaked out to sleep in a tent....Bugs!! Ewww!!

Now, I'm past that.  I want to experience the outdoors in a tent.  Wake up next to a lake or river.  Cook on an open fire.  Sit around a camp fire and talk, share stories, eat S'mores.  I want to hike, and fish, and do outdoorsy stuff like that.

I love going on vacation.  Don't get to very often - haven't had a vacation in a couple of years, now.  Money is always a problem.  Only having one income coming in kind of puts a damper on being able to travel.... but camping?  The costs involved are minimal - and it's still a vacation.

I want to do it alone, first.  Not because I don't want my kids to experience the "great outdoors" - but because I feel it's important for me to know a head of time what I should expect.  Going to a hotel in a new city is no problem.  Going to a camp site in the middle of nowhere?  Yeah, a little more daunting...especially for me...so I want to have tried it first before dragging my kids along.

When I say alone - I don't mean alone, alone.  I mean with some friends.  Yes, I know that a bunch of 20-something people camping will be TOTALLY different to a family going camping... but it's a way for me to experience it, first.

Now, I just need a tent, a place to go, and people to go with me - and I'll be set!!

It's a New Day...A New Beginning

I woke up this morning, feeling different.  Different to how I've woken up for the past several months.  I woke up free.... free from stress, free from worry...free.

Did I find a job?? No.

After writing my post yesterday, I read it over and over.  It was like my mind was sending me a message, I just had to read it.

I really feel like my future is out of my hands now - and I need to embrace it.  I need to take charge of the here and now... not the could be's, the hope to be's...just what I can do at this very moment.

I will say out loud something I've been scared to admit.  I think I was on the verge of depression.  There was a part of me that was so sad, so lost, so frustrated...and it was taking over...consuming my mind, my body, and my life.

It was causing a negative impact on me... and I won't let that happen. 

Today, I'm taking a stand.  No more negativity.  No more worry.  No more stress.  I throw my future to the wind, and hope that someone finds it and gives me a chance.  Until that happens, I am going back to being me.  Fun. Happy. Cheerful.

Goodbye negativity.  Wish I could say it was nice to know you - but it wasn't... Good riddance!